Recently a client asked me how to tell the difference between the natural anxiety a person has when they’re moving forward into something new and the gut instinct that something is truly wrong for them. Good question, right?
And the answer is: I don’t think you can tell the difference. At least not right away.
Both of those feelings are so profoundly uncomfortable that it’s easy to see why some people stay stuck in the familiar. As my wise friend Amy Ahlers once told me, “If you are out of your comfort zone, you can expect to feel uncomfortable.”
I think the only solution is to take a few deep breaths, recognize that discomfort is part of change and then take a few small, manageable steps toward the new thing. Then you can look around and see how it all feels: are you feeling supported and excited? Are unexpected angels conspiring to help you? Are you enjoying yourself? Or are there roadblocks and potholes and feelings of wrongness?
Only once you have taken a few steps into the unknown territory can you determine if you should keep going or not. You can’t tell from where you are.
But do not underestimate how very uncomfortable it can feel to start to play in a bigger arena, to put your self out there, to begin a new work. You will feel vulnerable, afraid and very….exposed. And here’s what’s worse: no one will give you credit for your bravery. They will just sort of assume that it must be easy for you to publish, to perform, to create, to change your world. Because that’s just how cool you are.
(And also notice that you make that assumption, too. When your friend releases a new CD of original songs or mounts a gallery show or puts up their Etsy shop, you don’t automatically think of all the blood, sweat and tears they must have poured out to accomplish that work. You just think, “Oh. Cool. They did that.” So maybe next time give them a bit of a pat on the back, nu?)
You must hold your own hand, talk yourself off of whatever ledges you find yourself on, reward yourself with lots of treats, surround yourself with a few compatriots who will acknowledge your efforts and then…keep walking.
Pay attention to the foreboding feeling in your belly, but don’t let it make your decisions for you, OK?
We love the story of life as a road. Success is a ladder. Time is ever marching forward.
But we know it’s not true.
We are forever on shifting sands, sliding forward and backward and sideways and diagonally in our thinking, our feeling, our learning and our lives. Time swirls about us endlessly; effortlessly sweeping us back to That Day in the Third Grade…That Picnic by the Lake…That Long and Horrible Night…no, certainly time is the most unreliable of all the unreliables.
If we think of our lives as being linear, we cheat ourselves out of the fullness of our experience.
Plus, it’s that foolish linear thinking that leads to self-immolating thoughts like, “I should be more successful by now” and “Look, that person is more successful than I am.” We know these thoughts are lies, too, but if you only measure by the clock it is all too easy to slip those lies into your pocket and carry them around as part of your belief about yourself.
The more we learn about our art (our love), the less we know.
The longer we live on this earth, the more the years seem to pass in a day.
As our fortunes rise and fall, the more we recognize that money and status are no more accurate a marker of success than a new crop of tomatoes or a big hug from an eight-year old.
Today, challenge yourself to notice the ways in which your life is moving in many looping directions all at once. And how that is good and meet.
photo: “first tomato of spring” from The G-tastic 7’s photostream on flickr used by Creative Commons license
Here’s my new mental discipline: for each idea or project, I’m asking myself, “What’s the EASIEST possible way to do this?”
As a natural-born over-complicator, this does not come easily to me. But I have noticed that I sometimes don’t move forward on projects because I have larded on too many extra moving parts.
So my thoughts go, “Oh, I want to build that new web page. But I wanted to put video on it. So I need to shoot the video first. What should I wear in the video? I need some decent new clothes. When am I going to find time to go shopping? Maybe I should wait until next week when my friend Tish and I are having lunch near that cute boutique I like and we can go shopping together…”
And for want of a lunch date, the web page was lost.
If, however, I put the big mental “EASY?” note in my head, my thinking can go something like, “I want to build that new web page. But I really want to add video. Maybe it would be EASIEST to build the page first and then when I get around to shooting the video I can just add it in later.”
It helps me to think of each project/product as being in “beta” – that is, I’m just getting the first version out into the world and I’ll make improvements as needed.
I can hear someone’s ego squealing, “But NO! My project has to be SPECIAL! It’s complicated…it needs to be perfect…I can’t just slapdash something together…I don’t want people judging me on work that’s in BETA for crying out loud!”
Yeah. I feel you. After all, I am the person who, when making chicken soup, starts with a whole chicken. I’m into artisanal everything, too.
But guess what – not everything needs to be a Ukrainian Easter Egg. Defy your perfectionism and jump in already.
And as for people judging you, well, if you’re not putting any work out into the world then you’re not making art, you have a hobby. Which is fine – I love hobbies – they are soul-enriching and delightful.
But if you are an artist, then you must share your work, your story, your point of view with the world and then let the world do with it what they will. Risky, yes. But like the man said, the risky is what makes it great.
So strip it down, take the shortcut, reduce the number of options, edit it, do the “dummy” version, simplify, simplify, simplify and see what happens to your productivity. (And your ego 😉
Sometimes that thought will:
– prevent you from moving forward on your project
– prevent you from talking to people (some of whom could help you) about your project
– keep you stuck
– keep you in “getting ready to get ready” mode
– make you paranoid and suspicious (ick)
And since we want you to be in a state that is clear, flowing and free from psychological impediments, let’s see if we can’t unpack that anxiety a bit.
First of all: I don’t believe that it is possible to steal an idea. But let’s try it, just to see. I would like you, right now, to COPY someone else’s work. That’s right. Pick a piece you like (a book, a painting, a song, a jewelry design…whatever medium you like) and plagiarize. Copy that piece as closely as you can. Write in the style of that author, sculpt in the style of that sculptor, play in the style of that musician. As much as possible, try to mimic them exactly.
How’d you do?
My guess is that it still came out more like you than like them. (But let me know, OK?)
I will tell you that Elvis Costello actually recommends this practice to beginning songwriters. His theory is that by attempting to mimic the artists you admire, you will both develop your own voice and also learn some of what makes your heroes great.
So even if someone does steal your idea, they can’t do with it what you can do with it. Only you can execute your ideas your way.
Secondly, people who steal tend to have pretty lousy karma, and chances are that “your” idea will eventually just turn to dust in their hands. While you, as a creative genius, are a never-ending fountain of ideas! You can just create and create and create. Someone steals your idea? Bless them and let them go. You’ve got an even better idea coming down the pike right now.
Finally, the fact that more than one person is promoting “your” idea is actually great for business. After all, the Impressionists wouldn’t have made nearly as much of an impression if there had been only one of them.
So take whatever precautions seem prudent (register dramatic works with the WGA, ask for non-disclosure agreements when appropriate, check with experts: an entertainment lawyers, literary agents, whomever…) but please don’t keep your work to yourself.
The world needs your art, and if they need so badly that they have to steal it, well, then, perhaps you’d better just give it to them.
Here’s how I know: because if you really needed to lose weight, you’d be doing it already.
In the same way that you always feel like you need more money, but it’s when the rent is due (or those shoes go on sale) that you actually find the money.
So if you’ve been torturing yourself about how you look and you are letting your mind be filled up with an endless swirl of thoughts like, “Why is my belly like that? And my hips. I used to be so much thinner. I should go to the gym. That girl over there is so skinny. I wish I looked like that. I wonder if I should try hula-hooping or pole dancing? Silly. I wish I could just snap my fingers and change my body. Maybe a juice fast? I don’t really like juice….”
(Familiar?)
Then I am here to tell you right now: CUT IT OUT.
(Now, clearly, if your weight is a medical issue and you still aren’t doing anything about it, then you must just rally all of your internal strength and get a bunch of people to help you right now. Seriously. I don’t care if you are thin or not, but I do care that you stay alive.)
I have a little story for you.
Here’s what happened:
I was meditating the other day (and, as usual, half-running my list of complaints about myself) when I suddenly felt a BOLT of energy – like a wrecking ball of energy had just hit me square in the chest – and I suddenly saw the complete absurdity of my endless self-criticizing.
1) I have a BEAUTIFUL life.
2) Life is very, very short.
Therefore, for me to spend ONE MINUTE obsessing about something as trivial as my weight is not just ridiculous, it’s a bit obscene. In the way that having a bowling alley in a private home is a bit obscene.
I was suddenly shocked at myself. That I would spend even one minute of this glorious life beating myself up seemed, at the very, very least, pitifully ungrateful.
I seized a pen and wrote:
My Poor, Ever-Lovin’ Body…
My precious, delightful, ungainly, grace-filled body
That has lived through
So much neglect
So much disdain
…and you have only ever loved me
Breathing for me even when I forget
Patient so patiently waiting for me to love you
Or even like you a little bit.
You always do your best
Even with me disapproving all the time
Oh the things I have said about you
Still you helped me as best you could.
Stockholm Syndrome.
Tell me what I’ve done
Show me every scar
Each tender spot
I’m noticing how soft your skin is
Right here
Right here
And this light I see in your eyes
So, as a consequence of that blazing moment I have started a new spiritual discipline:
I have spent the last several days mentally refusing to worry about how my body looks.
And I gotta tell you, it is appalling how many times an hour I start to think, “Oh, my weight is so…” and then I have to say to myself, “Stop. Think about something more interesting.”
And then 3 minutes later I’m right back. “My thighs…” and then, “Stop. Think about something more interesting.”
I cannot begin to count the amount of time I have spent over the years just idly hating myself.
Well, as of now, I am reclaiming that time and that mental energy.
I have made a sign for over my desk that says:
IF YOU ARE THINKING ABOUT YOUR WEIGHT YOU ARE JUST BORED.
We love the story of life as a road. Success is a ladder. Time is ever marching forward.
