I wrote a longish post on Facebook last night that’s gotten waaaay more likes, comments and shares than anything else I’ve ever written.
Apparently, I hit a nerve.
So I thought I’d share it with you all, too.
NOTE: there is strong language in this.
As you know, depression is a black-hearted fuckshop of a disease – insidious and all-enveloping. After being mostly symptom-free for the past year or so, the last few weeks have been kind of a nightmare. It was a bit shocking to me how swiftly I hit bottom.And because I have “atypical depression” – which despite its name is actually quite common – I can function well in public situations. Atypical depression is not the “can’t get out of bed and crying all day” kind of depression. It’s the “inside a glass box” kind – it looks like everything’s pretty normal, but on the inside you feel utterly alone and completely dissociated. It turns the whole world into a horror show.
I hung in there, though: fought it when I could fight, and laid down quietly when I could fight no more. I prayed, I walked, I did all the stupid things people suggest you do when you’re depressed (take a walk, do something nice for someone else, get a massage, make some art…) all of which are like throwing pebbles at a dinosaur.
Finally – yesterday – the cloud lifted and so far I’ve had 24 hours of non-stop joy.
Here’s what joy looks like: I can taste food. I can breathe. I can feel actual gratitude for my actual life. Nothing fancy. Just the amazing sensation of experiencing energy and desire and being able to think actual thoughts rather than just drown in a sea of self-loathing all day.
Normally I would keep this kind of thing quiet, because it’s private, and in many ways, it’s none of anyone’s fucking business. But I realize that because of what I do and the books I write, people sometimes think that I never have a bad day. Which would be hilarious if it weren’t so tragic.
So, to everyone who is forced to make the choice, every day, to stay on this grassy, ocean-y planet no matter how much it hurts, I salute you. I wish you forgiving friends, loving partners and soft landings. I bless your beautiful sensitivity, your aching heart and the spiritual mastery that you are demonstrating every time you don’t just give the fuck up.
I don’t have any advice, because advice is bullshit. But I will remind you of this: the tragedy of depression is that it convinces you that you will never, ever, ever, ever, ever feel better. And that is a giant fucking lie. You will feel better. Maybe only 1′ better, but still – better. And you matter. You matter to me.
Thank you for listening. I love you.
I always have a few small pieces of sea glass in my wallet: it’s my “mermaid money.”
Because, you know — mermaids don’t take cash.
Every time I look in my wallet I am reminded of the true treasures in the world: the beauty that’s all around us, the ability to create whimsy and magic, and the ephemeral nature of life.
What do you use to keep your eyes on the big picture?
Do you feel whimsy and beauty and magic around your ability to create cash?
Stress is what happens when we lose track of the big picture.
It’s really hard to ask for what you want in sexuality and relationships if you don’t know what to ask for, or how to start the conversation.
In our sex-negative culture, what would it mean to express your authentic sexual voice?
Many people don’t know how to talk about sexuality because they have no idea what they want.
Many don’t know how to have a conversation with others because they are so confused in their conversation with themselves, stuck in self-judgment, confusion, frustration or thinking something is wrong.
My friend and colleague Amy Jo Goddard does amazing work as a sexual empowerment expert and teacher and she is hosting this webinar on 2/24 on “Finding the Sexual Voice”.
We all have a sexual voice. Some of us need to find it, some of us need to express it, some of us need to shift it so we can get more of what we want and less of what we don’t.
In this 90-min webinar, you will learn:
- the difference between the internal and external sexual voice…
- the top sexual stories that get people stuck…
- what gets in the way of finding your true voice and inner “Yes”…
- steps you can take to tap into that inner Yes…
- how to bring your inner Yes into the outer world so you can get more of what you want in sex and relationships…
I support her message and I hope you will sign up and share.
TWITTER – include link to https://cc100.isrefer.com/go/voice/sbennett
.@AmyJoGoddard is teaching a webinar on 2/24: “Finding the #SexualVoice.”
How can you tap into the power of your unique #SexualVoice? A conversation with @AmyJoGoddard
It’s hard to talk about sexuality when you don’t know what you want. @AmyJoGoddard’s webinar on 2/24:
My friend & colleague @AmyJoGoddard is teaching this webinar on 2/24: Finding the #SexualVoice
.@amyjogoddard is on a mission to banish sexual voicelessness — please join!
The Isle of Skye
What if there was
another you who lived on the Isle of Skye?
And what if, in the soft light of that
other home,
you forgot to think the thoughts
that hold you back?
What if, in the mist,
you knew all,
you forgave all,
and you remembered to be
oh so gentle with yourself?
What if you, on the Isle of Skye,
could just breathe,
wearing a warm sweater
and half a smile?
And what if your heart’s own work just flowed out of you –
lipping in between the endless hills and endless sea – a balm unto the world?
© 2014 Samantha Bennett
Guess what? It’s okay to have some positive thoughts about yourself.
Many of us were raised in intellectual households, where if you couldn’t prove your point, well, you were just being delusional. I’m asking you to be a little delusional. You may be reluctant to think nice thoughts about yourself. I understand. You may feel that your negative thoughts “keep you in line” and you don’t want to “get a big head.”
Darling, you will not get a big head. I promise.
EXERCISE: TEN NICE THINGS
Step 1. Write Down Ten Successes, Wins, or Blessings from the Past Year.
Grab a pen and write down ten good things that have happened in the past twelve months. It’s time to give those chattering critical voices in your head a rest. It’s time to change the tape. It’s time to accentuate the positive.
If it doesn’t work, no worries — you can always go back to thinking negatively any time you’d like.
(“I paid off all my credit cards” or “I learned how to cook a perfect roast chicken”), things that happened to you (“My cousin gave me that wonderful birthday present” or “I got asked to perform the solo”), things that happened around you (“There is some jasmine growing right next to my bedroom window, and it smells heavenly” or “Those noisy neighbors finally moved away”) or (most likely) some combination of the above.
Don’t have a contest with yourself about the “best” things that happened to you; just list some things that, when you reread the list, make you nod and smile to yourself and think, “Yep. That’s pretty good.”
Step 2. Write Down Ten Nice Things about Yourself.
Now make a list of ten nice things about you. They may be nice qualities that you were born with, like your quick mind and your lovely eyes. They may be nice skills you’ve learned, like your gorgeous gardening skills and your ability to run a mile without losing your breath.
Or maybe they’re things other people appreciate about you, like what a safe and courteous driver you are, and how you always remember everyone’s birthday. Push yourself to come up with ten.
After all, the assignment is not to write down ten extraordinary things about you, or ten things that no one else in the world has ever done — just ten nice things that, again, you can look at and say, “Yep. That’s pretty good.”
From now on, you must keep track of every single compliment you get.
The rule is this: only write down the phrase or adjective– don’t record who said it or why or what you think they meant.
And I do mean EVERY compliment.
Even the ones you don’t think matter, like, “Oh, you look nice today,” or the generic ones like “Good job,” or even the ones that you suspect aren’t really meant as a compliment, like, “You are so funny…”
If you get one of those, then you write down:
Looks Nice
Does A Good Job
Funny
OK?
After several months, review the list and see what there is to see.
Here’s one to start with:
I think you are good and brave.
(Now go write that down.)
—Sam
