It’s a cold, empty feeling, that not-having-faith-in-yourself feeling.
Especially in this bright-eyed American culture of mandatory optimism.
But some days, it’s just not there. You don’t feel worthy, you don’t feel special, you don’t feel like your projects are even worth your while, much less anyone else’s while.
And you think, “I’ve got to generate more faith in myself. I must believe in myself more. I must increase my confidence!” And like a child making a wish, you squish your eyes closed and clench your fists and search in vain for even the slightest spark of faith, feeling ever more desolate.
Now anyone can tell you that eyes-closed-and-fists-clenched is no way to engage with the world.
And nothing destroys faith more quickly than a voice saying, “You’ve got to have faith in yourself!” Ugh.
(Much like the directive, “Be creative,” a phrase that has the amazing power to instantly annihilate the creativity of every single person in earshot.)
Here’s the good news: you don’t need to generate faith.
You just need to accept it.
Faith is not something that you have find within, it is a gift that is given to you from without.
Faith has already been extended to you:
I have faith in you.
God (however you want to understand that word) has faith in you.
Your friends have faith in you.
Your customers, clients and students have faith in you.
Your favorite teachers have faith in you.
The flowers in the garden have faith in you.
Every newborn has faith in you.
All you need to do is open yourself up to OUR faith – humbly accept our belief that you can do the work and do it well – and begin.
You don’t need to fake confidence yourself; you need to borrow confidence from us.
After all, we’re pretty smart, and we know you pretty well, and truly, we have complete faith in you.
So open your eyes, open your hands and open your heart and allow yourself to feel the years and years of faith, confidence and praise that has been heaped upon you, and then, honey — get to work.
The world needs your good work.
![How To Make Perfect Choices – Every Time]()
And the voice said, “Quit thinking you’re doing this wrong…”
I woke up very early on the Saturday before Easter and took a beach walk. The sky and the sea were the same shade of ever-lightening gray, and there was no one else in sight. As I walked, I prayed, and the voice came to me and said, “Quit thinking you’re doing this wrong.”
I stopped.
“Quit thinking you’ve screwed up. You are leading your life in precisely the right way. Your life is unfolding perfectly.
Not the way you’d planned, I know –
But still: diamond-perfect.”
And I started thinking about all the choices, events and situations that we revisit over and over in our minds, and how all that revisiting is stealing valuable energy and mind-space and creativity from NOW.
So I devised a few questions to help unlock a few of those…oh, “regrets” seems like a strong word to use…but the life choices that you still think about and feel sort of bad about.
Step One: You Have Learned Your Lesson
Perhaps you have a lot of these regrets and you really feel them getting in the way of your leading your best life. Or maybe you only have a few, or one or two. But all of us have at least one.
So pick an event from your past that you wish had gone differently. Could be anything:
A trip you didn’t take.
An apology that you bungled.
An opportunity squandered.
First, what is the Life Lesson of that event? What is the “moral of the story?” What behavioral change do you continually reinforce by dwelling on this?
That you are free to choose adventure over safety?
That you need to speak your heart?
That you can lean into the future rather than hanging back?
Good. So, how are you doing with that Life Lesson? Have you got it? Are you sure?
Think of three examples from your life where you have demonstrated an increased ability to be adventuresome, to heart-speak, to lean – or whatever your Lesson was.
I believe that you have learned that lesson. You may give yourself an A+ (or, for those of you who’ve studied with me, you may give yourselves a “C” 😉 because now, in the same way that you no longer have to recall the lesson of “how do I tie my shoes?” or “how do I safely pull my car into the driveway” because you’ve done it a million times, you may now assume that Lesson is part of you. It is part of your unconscious competence. It’s in your bones now, and you can’t unknow it.
So maybe you can afford to be a bit less vigilant, hm?
Step Two: You Did Not Act Alone
Let’s return to that troubling memory for a minute, and let me ask you a question:
Is it possible that you are over-accepting responsibility for this event?
Really.
Give it some thought.
Were there other people involved who also bear some responsibility for the way things went down? Could someone else have helped you out a bit more than they did?
And I don’t mean to say that anyone ought to have done anything differently – after all, those other people are leading their lives just perfectly, too – but I want you to notice that you did not act in a vacuum.
How inexperienced were you at the time?
Did you have all the information you needed? Are you giving yourself a hard time because you didn’t know then what you know now? Can you see the ridiculousness of that?
Now write down the name of someone else who might’ve had a hand in this decision or event of yours.
And write down one piece of information that you have now but did not have then.
Do you see that this maybe was not all your fault? That you were a part of a larger set of circumstances? Could this new perspective maybe help you put down the whip for a minute?
Step Three: Do You Still Desire That Alternate Future?
Finally, answer this: how do you think your life would be different if you had, in fact, behaved differently?
Complete the sentence, “If I had/hadn’t done XYZ, I would now ________________.”
What goes in the blank? Be a painter? Be married? Have lived abroad? Still be friends with…?
Good. Breathe that in.
Do you want that still?
If the answer is Yes, then what is one small (less than 15 minutes, easily within your budget) step you can take today to bring in this thing that you still want?
And be realistic with yourself – maybe you can’t move to Paris today, but you can buy some geraniums and a small photo of the Tour Eiffel to put on your desk. You can start a penny-jar to save up for a plane ticket, yes?
Or maybe you think you would’ve been a famous textile designer now, so you’re going to spend 15 minutes researching new silk-screening technologies today.
Make it fun – a celebration – an experiment, even!
And perhaps you realized that you really DON’T want that thing anymore. How marvelous! Take a moment to celebrate that you “do not want what you haven’t got!”
And so maybe you are so glad that you didn’t marry that person, you decide to buy a special bottle of wine or imported soda pop or special after-dinner tea to commemorate your freedom from that choice.
Because you are here for the joy. And to spend even one moment criticizing yourself for something that could not have gone any differently than it did is a waste of your light.
And the world needs your light.
Sometimes you get all involved in the little things that are wrong, bad or need fixing. You obsess. You are blind to what’s good, what’s working, what’s excellent, even, and all you see are the little broken pieces and the long list of things that should have been done today, should have been done yesterday, should have been done three years ago…
That’s what we call Dusting the Baseboards in the Ballroom: you are bent over, completely oblivious to the glorious ballroom that is your life, thwacking away at invisible particles. Worse yet, when you look at other people’s lives, all you see is their ballroom. And you make comparisons. You do not come out well in these comparisons.
This is upsetting for a person.
And it’s not even the worst part. The worst part is when other people see YOUR ballroom and they start to praise its grace, its beauty, its excellence and you can’t even hear them because you are still dwelling on the dusty baseboards. You even feel sort of lonely and misunderstood – doesn’t anybody understand how hard you are working? Doesn’t anybody get how much still needs to be done?
No. They don’t.
So settle down for a moment and look around at your ballroom. Pretend it isn’t yours for a minute. See how lovely it is? Inspiring, even.
Fifty years from now the details that are worrying you now will not matter one whit. But the art you create, the novel you write, the doll you sew, the dance you perform – that will still be making a difference in the world. Yes, the dishes need to get done, but the world needs your art, so spend 15 minutes on your art first, OK? Art before housework.
And if you invite people in to your ballroom and allow the music to begin to play… if you light enough candles and remember to let a smile come to your lips… even you might lose sight of the dusty bits as you waltz through your glorious, glorious life.
I was at a conference listening to an acclaimed speaker deliver his talk when the very small half-thought flittered through my mind, “I think I’m getting a migraine.”
And my big, in-charge inner voice started to protest that no, this couldn’t be happening now, it was a very inconvenient time. But I have learned something in my years on earth: ignore the beginnings of a migraine at your own peril.
So I rapidly took some Excedrine Migraine (great stuff). Then I put on my sunglasses to cut the glare from the stage lights. Because here’s what else I’ve learned: I’d rather look foolish wearing sunglasses in a hotel ballroom than suffer through a migraine.
Then I calmly listened to the rest of the talk with only the ghost of a headache keeping me company.
Which brings me to my point —
Intuition works much the same way as a migraine.
Intuition first appears as a small, fluttering half-thought.
So easy to not even notice it. But ignore that flutter at your own peril.
Intuition responds well to quick action.
Move gently but swiftly forward without too much questioning or belly-aching and you will be instantly rewarded with a flood of peaceful, healing energy.
Intuitive actions may look ridiculous to others.
Did those sunglasses make me look silly? Like a rock star? Like I was on drugs? I honestly have no idea, and I don’t really care. I needed them for my own purposes and that was reason enough for me.
Here’s where The Analogy falls apart…
Sometimes when intuition is ignored it will grow louder and more insistent – like a migraine.
But more often, I think, intuition ignored just gets quieter and quieter until we are left alone in the echoing chamber of our lives, wondering why, when we’ve done everything “right,” we still feel so empty inside.
The good news is that given just a bit of attention and trust, intuition turns right back on, a bountiful rush of good ideas, hints, winks and whispers.
What about you?
Have you followed your intuition recently? How was that for you?
Have you ever heard a conversation like this?
He: OK, it’s 3:30 – let’s go pick up my car from the shop.
She: I’m not ready to go right now. Let’s go later.
He: I don’t want to go later. I want to go now.
She: Why does it always have to be about what you want?
He: That’s ridiculous! It’s never about what I want. I never get to do what I want. You always get your way…
Or like this?
Parent: Put on your shoes, please.
Kid: No.
Parent: Put on your shoes.
Kid: No.
Parent: Put on your shoes.
Kid: No.
Parent: All right, that’s it. I’ve had it. Put on your shoes right now or you are going to get a time out. Is that what you want? 1….2….
Sound familiar? OK – how about this one:
Your Heart: I want to work on my book.
Your Head: That’s dumb. You never finish anything. You’ve had that idea for years.
Your Heart: But I really love writing.
Your Head: Oh, please. Ever since Mrs. Martin told you that you were a good writer when you were in the third grade you’ve been all hung up on writing. You’re probably not even really any good. And have you seen what’s happening to publishing lately? Let’s go on Facebook…you can write funny things on your friends’ wall if you want to write so much.
Get Out Of Your Defensive Position
I think that it is very difficult to listen, to learn or to negotiate when you are feeling defensive. You’re just too busy protecting your weak spots. And maybe trying to get in a few jabs yourself.
So the next time you catch yourself with your arms crossed, your eyebrows raised and your temper beginning to flare, ask yourself: What More Information Do I Need? and What Information Can I Communicate More Clearly?
With those questions in mind, the first dialogue might go like this:
He: OK, it’s 3:30 – let’s go pick up my car from the shop.
She: I’m not ready to go right now. Let’s go later.
He: I don’t want to go later. I want to go now.
She: Well, I want to go later because I’m sort of in the middle of writing this blog post right now. Why do you want to go now?
He: I have some errands that need to be done by 5pm, and I’m concerned about traffic. If we stay here another 5 minutes, does that give you enough time to get to a good stopping point?
She: Oh, I didn’t know you had errands that were time-dependent. Actually, we can just go right now. I’ll have time to finish writing when we get back.
Or
Parent: Put on your shoes, please.
Kid: No.
Parent: I know you like to be barefoot. I need you to put on your shoes because we’re going to the park and it’s cold outside and I don’t want your feet to get frozen like popsicles. Then we’d have to change your name to “Popsicle Feet,” and I don’t think any of us want that. Now, do you want to wear your red sneakers or your boots?
Kid: That’s silly. OK…red sneakers, please.
Now, I know that negotiations – particularly family negotiations – don’t always go that easily. Not everything can be solved by simply explaining your rationale. (Especially when it comes to little kids and shoes – I know.)
But assuming good will diminishes conflict.
Full disclosure makes room for cooperation.
And how about that internal conversation?
Your Heart: I want to work on my book.
Your Head: That’s dumb. You never finish anything. You’ve had that idea for years.
Your Heart: I know – that’s how I know it’s an important project. Because I had this idea years ago and I’m still thinking about it.
Your Head: Oh, please. Ever since Mrs. Martin told you that you were a good writer when you were in the third grade you’ve been all hung up on writing. You’re probably not even really any good. And have you seen what’s happening to publishing lately? Let’s go see what’s happening on Facebook…you can write funny things on your friends’ wall if you want to write so much.
Your Heart: Head, you get scared so easily, and I know you’re just trying to protect us. Thanks for that. Tell you what: I’m going to set this timer for 15 minutes and write. Then we can go on Facebook, OK?
So:
1) What are you disagreeing about?
2) What are you trying to protect?
3) What more information do you need?
4) What more information could you provide?
5) How can you affirm your good will towards yourself or towards others? (Smile, give a kiss, say something sweet, make a good joke – not a mean joke! a fun joke! – let them know that you’ve walked a mile in their red sneakers…)
Apologies are to be reserved for times when you have transgressed and are truly sorry.
But for times when you are, in fact, not sorry, consider this strategy: don’t apologize; say, “Thank you.”
I got this advice from my friend Adam and it took a while to sink in for me. But once I realized it was a fabulous alternative to mealy-mouthing, I started to really enjoy using it.
So rather than saying, “I’m so sorry it’s taken me so long to get back to you, ” consider saying, “Thank you for being patient.”
Rather than saying, “I’m sorry I can’t do XYZ,” consider saying, “Thank you for understanding that X, Y and Z are not possible for me right now.”
And rather than saying, “I’m sorry to bother you with this,” try, “Thank you so much for being available for this.”
For me, this technique solves the problem of feeling like I need to apologize when I’m not really sorry – as we all know, an insincere apology is one of the ickiest communications possible – and it allows me to focus on the good, positive aspects of the situation.
In short: inspired gratitude beats feigned servitude every single time.
But some days, it’s just not there. You don’t feel worthy, you don’t feel special, you don’t feel like your projects are even worth your while, much less anyone else’s while.
