Have you ever heard a conversation like this?
He: OK, it’s 3:30 – let’s go pick up my car from the shop.
She: I’m not ready to go right now. Let’s go later.
He: I don’t want to go later. I want to go now.
She: Why does it always have to be about what you want?
He: That’s ridiculous! It’s never about what I want. I never get to do what I want. You always get your way…
Or like this?
Parent: Put on your shoes, please.
Kid: No.
Parent: Put on your shoes.
Kid: No.
Parent: Put on your shoes.
Kid: No.
Parent: All right, that’s it. I’ve had it. Put on your shoes right now or you are going to get a time out. Is that what you want? 1….2….
Sound familiar? OK – how about this one:
Your Heart: I want to work on my book.
Your Head: That’s dumb. You never finish anything. You’ve had that idea for years.
Your Heart: But I really love writing.
Your Head: Oh, please. Ever since Mrs. Martin told you that you were a good writer when you were in the third grade you’ve been all hung up on writing. You’re probably not even really any good. And have you seen what’s happening to publishing lately? Let’s go on Facebook…you can write funny things on your friends’ wall if you want to write so much.
Get Out Of Your Defensive Position
I think that it is very difficult to listen, to learn or to negotiate when you are feeling defensive. You’re just too busy protecting your weak spots. And maybe trying to get in a few jabs yourself.
So the next time you catch yourself with your arms crossed, your eyebrows raised and your temper beginning to flare, ask yourself: What More Information Do I Need? and What Information Can I Communicate More Clearly?
With those questions in mind, the first dialogue might go like this:
He: OK, it’s 3:30 – let’s go pick up my car from the shop.
She: I’m not ready to go right now. Let’s go later.
He: I don’t want to go later. I want to go now.
She: Well, I want to go later because I’m sort of in the middle of writing this blog post right now. Why do you want to go now?
He: I have some errands that need to be done by 5pm, and I’m concerned about traffic. If we stay here another 5 minutes, does that give you enough time to get to a good stopping point?
She: Oh, I didn’t know you had errands that were time-dependent. Actually, we can just go right now. I’ll have time to finish writing when we get back.
Or
Parent: Put on your shoes, please.
Kid: No.
Parent: I know you like to be barefoot. I need you to put on your shoes because we’re going to the park and it’s cold outside and I don’t want your feet to get frozen like popsicles. Then we’d have to change your name to “Popsicle Feet,” and I don’t think any of us want that. Now, do you want to wear your red sneakers or your boots?
Kid: That’s silly. OK…red sneakers, please.
Now, I know that negotiations – particularly family negotiations – don’t always go that easily. Not everything can be solved by simply explaining your rationale. (Especially when it comes to little kids and shoes – I know.)
But assuming good will diminishes conflict.
Full disclosure makes room for cooperation.
And how about that internal conversation?
Your Heart: I want to work on my book.
Your Head: That’s dumb. You never finish anything. You’ve had that idea for years.
Your Heart: I know – that’s how I know it’s an important project. Because I had this idea years ago and I’m still thinking about it.
Your Head: Oh, please. Ever since Mrs. Martin told you that you were a good writer when you were in the third grade you’ve been all hung up on writing. You’re probably not even really any good. And have you seen what’s happening to publishing lately? Let’s go see what’s happening on Facebook…you can write funny things on your friends’ wall if you want to write so much.
Your Heart: Head, you get scared so easily, and I know you’re just trying to protect us. Thanks for that. Tell you what: I’m going to set this timer for 15 minutes and write. Then we can go on Facebook, OK?
So:
1) What are you disagreeing about?
2) What are you trying to protect?
3) What more information do you need?
4) What more information could you provide?
5) How can you affirm your good will towards yourself or towards others? (Smile, give a kiss, say something sweet, make a good joke – not a mean joke! a fun joke! – let them know that you’ve walked a mile in their red sneakers…)
Apologies are to be reserved for times when you have transgressed and are truly sorry.
But for times when you are, in fact, not sorry, consider this strategy: don’t apologize; say, “Thank you.”
I got this advice from my friend Adam and it took a while to sink in for me. But once I realized it was a fabulous alternative to mealy-mouthing, I started to really enjoy using it.
So rather than saying, “I’m so sorry it’s taken me so long to get back to you, ” consider saying, “Thank you for being patient.”
Rather than saying, “I’m sorry I can’t do XYZ,” consider saying, “Thank you for understanding that X, Y and Z are not possible for me right now.”
And rather than saying, “I’m sorry to bother you with this,” try, “Thank you so much for being available for this.”
For me, this technique solves the problem of feeling like I need to apologize when I’m not really sorry – as we all know, an insincere apology is one of the ickiest communications possible – and it allows me to focus on the good, positive aspects of the situation.
In short: inspired gratitude beats feigned servitude every single time.
Recently a client asked me how to tell the difference between the natural anxiety a person has when they’re moving forward into something new and the gut instinct that something is truly wrong for them. Good question, right?
And the answer is: I don’t think you can tell the difference. At least not right away.
Both of those feelings are so profoundly uncomfortable that it’s easy to see why some people stay stuck in the familiar. As my wise friend Amy Ahlers once told me, “If you are out of your comfort zone, you can expect to feel uncomfortable.”
I think the only solution is to take a few deep breaths, recognize that discomfort is part of change and then take a few small, manageable steps toward the new thing. Then you can look around and see how it all feels: are you feeling supported and excited? Are unexpected angels conspiring to help you? Are you enjoying yourself? Or are there roadblocks and potholes and feelings of wrongness?
Only once you have taken a few steps into the unknown territory can you determine if you should keep going or not. You can’t tell from where you are.
But do not underestimate how very uncomfortable it can feel to start to play in a bigger arena, to put your self out there, to begin a new work. You will feel vulnerable, afraid and very….exposed. And here’s what’s worse: no one will give you credit for your bravery. They will just sort of assume that it must be easy for you to publish, to perform, to create, to change your world. Because that’s just how cool you are.
(And also notice that you make that assumption, too. When your friend releases a new CD of original songs or mounts a gallery show or puts up their Etsy shop, you don’t automatically think of all the blood, sweat and tears they must have poured out to accomplish that work. You just think, “Oh. Cool. They did that.” So maybe next time give them a bit of a pat on the back, nu?)
You must hold your own hand, talk yourself off of whatever ledges you find yourself on, reward yourself with lots of treats, surround yourself with a few compatriots who will acknowledge your efforts and then…keep walking.
Pay attention to the foreboding feeling in your belly, but don’t let it make your decisions for you, OK?
Some things are easy and some things are hard, but not always in the way you might expect.
- Fast food seems easy, but in the long run, it is very hard on your system.
- Not saying, “Hi” to clerks, colleagues, acquaintances and strangers might seem easy (the rationale being something like, “just keep your head down – you don’t really know them – no need to get involved in a long conversation…”) but ultimately it is much harder to live in a world in which everyone is a stranger.
- Working out is hard, but it’s easier than the loss of self-esteem that comes with feeling weak.
- Hosting dinner parties seems much harder than not hosting dinner parties, but maintaining strong social ties with the people you care most about will make your life much, much easier overall. Plus it gives you a great reason to clean your house, which seems hard but, once the joint is clean seems wonderfully easy.
- Putting off working on the projects that matter most to you (completing your writing project, organizing your sewing room, making that baby present, creating that one-person show, launching that online magazine, clearing out your basement, returning to your watercolors, finding the time to meditate…) sort of seems easier – which is why we sometimes characterize this putting off as “laziness” – but it actually causes you great pain. Psychic pain, spiritual pain, artistic pain, pain in your self-respect, pain around your legacy…And that pain is HARD.
If you want to know the TRUTH about procrastination, please join me for the “Procrastination Is Genius In Disguise: Discover the 5 Surprising Truths About What’s Holding You Back” FREE teleclass on Thursday, Jan. 20th.
Register now for free and you can attend the call live via phone, Skype or streaming audio webinar AND you’ll get the recording as my gift to you.
Go here to register and for more info: http://www.GetItDoneTeleclass.com
And tell your friends, won’t you? Thanks.
We love the story of life as a road. Success is a ladder. Time is ever marching forward.
But we know it’s not true.
We are forever on shifting sands, sliding forward and backward and sideways and diagonally in our thinking, our feeling, our learning and our lives. Time swirls about us endlessly; effortlessly sweeping us back to That Day in the Third Grade…That Picnic by the Lake…That Long and Horrible Night…no, certainly time is the most unreliable of all the unreliables.
If we think of our lives as being linear, we cheat ourselves out of the fullness of our experience.
Plus, it’s that foolish linear thinking that leads to self-immolating thoughts like, “I should be more successful by now” and “Look, that person is more successful than I am.” We know these thoughts are lies, too, but if you only measure by the clock it is all too easy to slip those lies into your pocket and carry them around as part of your belief about yourself.
The more we learn about our art (our love), the less we know.
The longer we live on this earth, the more the years seem to pass in a day.
As our fortunes rise and fall, the more we recognize that money and status are no more accurate a marker of success than a new crop of tomatoes or a big hug from an eight-year old.
Today, challenge yourself to notice the ways in which your life is moving in many looping directions all at once. And how that is good and meet.
photo: “first tomato of spring” from The G-tastic 7’s photostream on flickr used by Creative Commons license
Here’s how I know: because if you really needed to lose weight, you’d be doing it already.
In the same way that you always feel like you need more money, but it’s when the rent is due (or those shoes go on sale) that you actually find the money.
So if you’ve been torturing yourself about how you look and you are letting your mind be filled up with an endless swirl of thoughts like, “Why is my belly like that? And my hips. I used to be so much thinner. I should go to the gym. That girl over there is so skinny. I wish I looked like that. I wonder if I should try hula-hooping or pole dancing? Silly. I wish I could just snap my fingers and change my body. Maybe a juice fast? I don’t really like juice….”
(Familiar?)
Then I am here to tell you right now: CUT IT OUT.
(Now, clearly, if your weight is a medical issue and you still aren’t doing anything about it, then you must just rally all of your internal strength and get a bunch of people to help you right now. Seriously. I don’t care if you are thin or not, but I do care that you stay alive.)
I have a little story for you.
Here’s what happened:
I was meditating the other day (and, as usual, half-running my list of complaints about myself) when I suddenly felt a BOLT of energy – like a wrecking ball of energy had just hit me square in the chest – and I suddenly saw the complete absurdity of my endless self-criticizing.
1) I have a BEAUTIFUL life.
2) Life is very, very short.
Therefore, for me to spend ONE MINUTE obsessing about something as trivial as my weight is not just ridiculous, it’s a bit obscene. In the way that having a bowling alley in a private home is a bit obscene.
I was suddenly shocked at myself. That I would spend even one minute of this glorious life beating myself up seemed, at the very, very least, pitifully ungrateful.
I seized a pen and wrote:
My Poor, Ever-Lovin’ Body…
My precious, delightful, ungainly, grace-filled body
That has lived through
So much neglect
So much disdain
…and you have only ever loved me
Breathing for me even when I forget
Patient so patiently waiting for me to love you
Or even like you a little bit.
You always do your best
Even with me disapproving all the time
Oh the things I have said about you
Still you helped me as best you could.
Stockholm Syndrome.
Tell me what I’ve done
Show me every scar
Each tender spot
I’m noticing how soft your skin is
Right here
Right here
And this light I see in your eyes
How could I ever miss how beautiful you are?
© 2011 Samantha Bennett
So, as a consequence of that blazing moment I have started a new spiritual discipline:
I have spent the last several days mentally refusing to worry about how my body looks.
And I gotta tell you, it is appalling how many times an hour I start to think, “Oh, my weight is so…” and then I have to say to myself, “Stop. Think about something more interesting.”
And then 3 minutes later I’m right back. “My thighs…” and then, “Stop. Think about something more interesting.”
I cannot begin to count the amount of time I have spent over the years just idly hating myself.
Well, as of now, I am reclaiming that time and that mental energy.
I have made a sign for over my desk that says:
IF YOU ARE THINKING ABOUT YOUR WEIGHT YOU ARE JUST BORED.
GET BACK IN THE GAME.
And I challenge you to do the same.
Let me know how it goes, OK?
