Sometimes you get all involved in the little things that are wrong, bad or need fixing. You obsess. You are blind to what’s good, what’s working, what’s excellent, even, and all you see are the little broken pieces and the long list of things that should have been done today, should have been done yesterday, should have been done three years ago…
That’s what we call Dusting the Baseboards in the Ballroom: you are bent over, completely oblivious to the glorious ballroom that is your life, thwacking away at invisible particles. Worse yet, when you look at other people’s lives, all you see is their ballroom. And you make comparisons. You do not come out well in these comparisons.
This is upsetting for a person.
And it’s not even the worst part. The worst part is when other people see YOUR ballroom and they start to praise its grace, its beauty, its excellence and you can’t even hear them because you are still dwelling on the dusty baseboards. You even feel sort of lonely and misunderstood – doesn’t anybody understand how hard you are working? Doesn’t anybody get how much still needs to be done?
No. They don’t.
So settle down for a moment and look around at your ballroom. Pretend it isn’t yours for a minute. See how lovely it is? Inspiring, even.
Fifty years from now the details that are worrying you now will not matter one whit. But the art you create, the novel you write, the doll you sew, the dance you perform – that will still be making a difference in the world. Yes, the dishes need to get done, but the world needs your art, so spend 15 minutes on your art first, OK? Art before housework.
And if you invite people in to your ballroom and allow the music to begin to play… if you light enough candles and remember to let a smile come to your lips… even you might lose sight of the dusty bits as you waltz through your glorious, glorious life.
Dear Sam,
I have a million ideas in my head and I get excited every time I think of another one. I want to act on that idea right away and then I have half-finished projects.
A lot of them do come to fruition and that’s exciting and I’d like to make more of them a reality. I’m loving the mind – mapping. I’m only on Session 2.
Every time I touch into in your work, I get energized and inspired, so maybe some of these tools will help.
Blessings & Love,
Beth
Beth McKinnon, CPCC
NowBeth Empowerment Coaching
www.nowbeth.com
Dear Beth,
Thank you so much for writing! I think this issue of FOCUS is huge for people – it’s been coming up a lot lately – so I think you speak for many with this question. Thanks for letting me adapt it for this post.
OK, first of all – make sure you’re writing all your good ideas down as soon as they come to you. Keep them in a file or notebook labeled “Pure Fabulousness” or “Genius!” or “Beth’s Brilliant Ideas” or something fun like that.
Writing them down will help keep them from just bonging around your head taking up valuable real estate and will also lessen any anxiety you may have around them.
Also, I would start to revel in your plethora of ideas. Rather than categorize yourself as someone who’s often distracting herself, think of yourself as a non-stop genius idea factory. Of COURSE you have a million ideas – that’s just how you roll.
And you can feel confident that not every single idea needs to be acted upon. Certainly not right away, anyway. And certainly not by you alone.
We’ll be working with some more prioritizing tools in the coming weeks of Get It Done Workshop, but for now, maybe creating a short list of questions to ask yourself before embarking on a new project might be useful.
You’ll come up with your own, of course, but here are a few I thought of:
1) How much time do I estimate this project might take?
2) What’s the budget for this project?
3) What do I expect to get from accomplishing this project?
4) Am I the right person to execute this project?
5) Is now the right time for this project?
I’m so glad the course is benefiting you – please stay in touch and let me know what happens!
Yours,
Sam.
“Oh, I HATE change!” she said.
And she shook her head and she closed her eyes and shuddered again. “Hate it!”
“Really?” I said, “Because change sure loves you.”
Change loves you. Look at how change is always present in your life, swirling around you and taking you in new directions. Change wants you to notice what’s happening right now. Change points out the infinite possibilities in each new moment.
Change wants to keep you from dwelling in the past (which is a dream) and from fretting about the future (also a dream) and keep you right here, in the gift of the present moment.
And the present moment is our one big chance to create something new. Our ability to make something out of apparent nothingness is miraculous. But it is only possible thanks to change.
And change is so forgiving. If we miss our chance to change a minute ago, here change is again, fresh as ever. Sometimes change shows off with a fabulous sunset or a look from a stranger across a crowded room or a big, unmistakable transition like a birth or a death, but mostly change just dwells right here with us in each heartbeat.
Feel that? Each breath is change. Each meal, each step, each smile – we are ever-transforming. Things may feel the same, but it’s an illusion, like gazing at a stream or a waterfall, which appears static but is actually nothing but movement.
So: with us all the time…located in the present moment…contains infinite possibilities…forgiving…eternal…generative, creative…omnipresent…
Change is not just good: change is God.
Let me say that another way —
Change is not just good: change is the presence of the Divine.
Now, I don’t believe that the Divine cares how you feel about It. The Divine just keeps being the Divine whether you believe or don’t believe, notice or don’t notice, call It by one name or another name or don’t call on It at all.
But I find my life goes more smoothly when I cooperate. And when I quit trying to have control over that which I clearly have no control. Much like arguing with gravity, hating change is rather a futile effort. Better, maybe, to allow the laws of gravity to support you, and to allow the laws of change to enlighten you and to reveal more love to you, so that you may be in closer relationship with the Divinity of every beautiful, fleeting moment.
Have you ever heard a conversation like this?
He: OK, it’s 3:30 – let’s go pick up my car from the shop.
She: I’m not ready to go right now. Let’s go later.
He: I don’t want to go later. I want to go now.
She: Why does it always have to be about what you want?
He: That’s ridiculous! It’s never about what I want. I never get to do what I want. You always get your way…
Or like this?
Parent: Put on your shoes, please.
Kid: No.
Parent: Put on your shoes.
Kid: No.
Parent: Put on your shoes.
Kid: No.
Parent: All right, that’s it. I’ve had it. Put on your shoes right now or you are going to get a time out. Is that what you want? 1….2….
Sound familiar? OK – how about this one:
Your Heart: I want to work on my book.
Your Head: That’s dumb. You never finish anything. You’ve had that idea for years.
Your Heart: But I really love writing.
Your Head: Oh, please. Ever since Mrs. Martin told you that you were a good writer when you were in the third grade you’ve been all hung up on writing. You’re probably not even really any good. And have you seen what’s happening to publishing lately? Let’s go on Facebook…you can write funny things on your friends’ wall if you want to write so much.
Get Out Of Your Defensive Position
I think that it is very difficult to listen, to learn or to negotiate when you are feeling defensive. You’re just too busy protecting your weak spots. And maybe trying to get in a few jabs yourself.
So the next time you catch yourself with your arms crossed, your eyebrows raised and your temper beginning to flare, ask yourself: What More Information Do I Need? and What Information Can I Communicate More Clearly?
With those questions in mind, the first dialogue might go like this:
He: OK, it’s 3:30 – let’s go pick up my car from the shop.
She: I’m not ready to go right now. Let’s go later.
He: I don’t want to go later. I want to go now.
She: Well, I want to go later because I’m sort of in the middle of writing this blog post right now. Why do you want to go now?
He: I have some errands that need to be done by 5pm, and I’m concerned about traffic. If we stay here another 5 minutes, does that give you enough time to get to a good stopping point?
She: Oh, I didn’t know you had errands that were time-dependent. Actually, we can just go right now. I’ll have time to finish writing when we get back.
Or
Parent: Put on your shoes, please.
Kid: No.
Parent: I know you like to be barefoot. I need you to put on your shoes because we’re going to the park and it’s cold outside and I don’t want your feet to get frozen like popsicles. Then we’d have to change your name to “Popsicle Feet,” and I don’t think any of us want that. Now, do you want to wear your red sneakers or your boots?
Kid: That’s silly. OK…red sneakers, please.
Now, I know that negotiations – particularly family negotiations – don’t always go that easily. Not everything can be solved by simply explaining your rationale. (Especially when it comes to little kids and shoes – I know.)
But assuming good will diminishes conflict.
Full disclosure makes room for cooperation.
And how about that internal conversation?
Your Heart: I want to work on my book.
Your Head: That’s dumb. You never finish anything. You’ve had that idea for years.
Your Heart: I know – that’s how I know it’s an important project. Because I had this idea years ago and I’m still thinking about it.
Your Head: Oh, please. Ever since Mrs. Martin told you that you were a good writer when you were in the third grade you’ve been all hung up on writing. You’re probably not even really any good. And have you seen what’s happening to publishing lately? Let’s go see what’s happening on Facebook…you can write funny things on your friends’ wall if you want to write so much.
Your Heart: Head, you get scared so easily, and I know you’re just trying to protect us. Thanks for that. Tell you what: I’m going to set this timer for 15 minutes and write. Then we can go on Facebook, OK?
So:
1) What are you disagreeing about?
2) What are you trying to protect?
3) What more information do you need?
4) What more information could you provide?
5) How can you affirm your good will towards yourself or towards others? (Smile, give a kiss, say something sweet, make a good joke – not a mean joke! a fun joke! – let them know that you’ve walked a mile in their red sneakers…)
Apologies are to be reserved for times when you have transgressed and are truly sorry.
But for times when you are, in fact, not sorry, consider this strategy: don’t apologize; say, “Thank you.”
I got this advice from my friend Adam and it took a while to sink in for me. But once I realized it was a fabulous alternative to mealy-mouthing, I started to really enjoy using it.
So rather than saying, “I’m so sorry it’s taken me so long to get back to you, ” consider saying, “Thank you for being patient.”
Rather than saying, “I’m sorry I can’t do XYZ,” consider saying, “Thank you for understanding that X, Y and Z are not possible for me right now.”
And rather than saying, “I’m sorry to bother you with this,” try, “Thank you so much for being available for this.”
For me, this technique solves the problem of feeling like I need to apologize when I’m not really sorry – as we all know, an insincere apology is one of the ickiest communications possible – and it allows me to focus on the good, positive aspects of the situation.
In short: inspired gratitude beats feigned servitude every single time.
Consider the art of Selective Neglect.
We know we’re not going to get everything done today that we would like to get done.
We know that we’re probably not going to get it done tomorrow, either.
So rather than walking around feeling bad about all the stuff we know we’re not going to get to, let’s do some strategic thinking about “the list” itself.
We’ve discussed before the the idea of moving your highest-income producing activities to the top of the list (http://sambennett.wpengine.com/?s=highest+income+producing+activities) and I still find that to be a useful tactic.
But what about eliminating some of the non-income producing activities entirely? (I know – there goes your chances for being crowned Queen Perfectly Doing Everything…)
Seriously – what could just go? And I don’t just mean delegate, I mean eliminate.
For example:
– Alison has an online grocery delivery service do the bulk of her weekly food shopping. Yes, this deprives her of the opportunity to squeeze her own melons, so to speak, but it saves this working mother at least 2 hours a week of parking, shopping and schlepping.
– Nancy quit Facebook. Cold turkey. Probably gained her an extra 6-9 hours per week.
– Jessica quit her church choir. “I loved the singing,” she said, “But I was not loving the 2-hour rehearsal each Thursday night. Being home with my family instead means we’ve started a weekly game night – Bananagrams! – and now in church on Sundays I get to just relax and enjoy church.” So she gained two hours plus not having to be there early on Sunday – probably three hours a week.
– I put my husband in charge of all national and international events. I do skim the front section of the newspaper each day with one eye half-closed, just to stay abreast of the general news trends. But I realized that don’t really want to take the time to learn all the details. Plus, I find the details depressing. But my husband reads everything cover to cover and is well-informed about almost everything and so, when I find myself wondering about what’s actually going on in Tunisia, I just ask him. It’s very refreshing to remain deliberately under-informed in this world of the non-stop news cycle. How much time do I save? Maybe ten minutes a day plus a whole lot of brain space.
– David sent out a hilarious post-holiday email to his family and friends saying something to the effect of, “Dear Ones, A better father would probably be able to get his kids to write thank-you notes. But I’m not that guy. So please accept this generic email as a sign of our sincerest thanks for the gift/card/well-wishes you sent/made/delivered. We really like/appreciate/use it a lot. We love you. Sincerely…” This single dad’s big savings was in deciding to quit nagging his kids. Again, some gain in time, probably, the bigger gain was in his newly-peaceful approach toward his kids.
So what could you just give up on?
HINTS:
1) Look in the areas of your life where there are a lot of “shoulds” going on in your head.
2) Be willing to sacrifice some pleasure for a greater good. All of the activities above were at least somewhat pleasurable – Alison loves food and cooking, Nancy loved Facebook, Jessica loved her choir, I love being well-read and David loves having polite kids. But what if the gain in time or peace of mind is greater than the pleasure factor?
3) Is the gain in time or peace of mind greater than the ego gratification? (This is a biggie – so be gentle but firm with yourself in your answer to this one.) After all, it can feel pretty good to know that, “you did everything yourself, ” or that “you stay connected online,” or that “you sing,” “you’re informed,” “you appear to have perfect kids.” Your ego could take quite a hit, here. But there is great freedom in stepping down off the moral high ground.
4) I would not eliminate anything in the arena of personal care. The time you spend working out, meditating and getting your hair cut is a valuable investment in your appearance and your self-respect. Clearly, this is just my big ol’ opinion (and I suppose if you’re spending an hour blow-drying your hair every morning or two hours a week at the manicurist keeping up your elaborate acrylics, you could consider an adjustment there…) but I really want you to keep your self feeling good and looking current. Not necessarily dressed in cutting-edge fashion, but in a style that is neat, clean, well-fitted to your lifestyle and, you know, from this decade.
5) Try it before you decide. Consider eliminating something for a week or a month before you cut it out entirely. After all, if you really miss it, you can always go back to it.
So, what will you selectively neglect today?
