How To Make Perfect Choices – Every Time

How To Make Perfect Choices – Every Time

How to Make Perfect Choices

Nags Head Easter 2011 - photo by Samantha Bennett

And the voice said, “Quit thinking you’re doing this wrong…”

I woke up very early on the Saturday before Easter and took a beach walk. The sky and the sea were the same shade of ever-lightening gray, and there was no one else in sight. As I walked, I prayed, and the voice came to me and said, “Quit thinking you’re doing this wrong.”

I stopped.

“Quit thinking you’ve screwed up. You are leading your life in precisely the right way. Your life is unfolding perfectly.

Not the way you’d planned, I know –

But still: diamond-perfect.”

And I started thinking about all the choices, events and situations that we revisit over and over in our minds, and how all that revisiting is stealing valuable energy and mind-space and creativity from NOW.

So I devised a few questions to help unlock a few of those…oh, “regrets” seems like a strong word to use…but the life choices that you still think about and feel sort of bad about.

Step One: You Have Learned Your Lesson

Perhaps you have a lot of these regrets and you really feel them getting in the way of your leading your best life. Or maybe you only have a few, or one or two. But all of us have at least one.

So pick an event from your past that you wish had gone differently. Could be anything:

A trip you didn’t take.
An apology that you bungled.
An opportunity squandered.

First, what is the Life Lesson of that event? What is the “moral of the story?” What behavioral change do you continually reinforce by dwelling on this?

That you are free to choose adventure over safety?
That you need to speak your heart?
That you can lean into the future rather than hanging back?

Good. So, how are you doing with that Life Lesson? Have you got it? Are you sure?

Think of three examples from your life where you have demonstrated an increased ability to be adventuresome, to heart-speak, to lean – or whatever your Lesson was.

I believe that you have learned that lesson. You may give yourself an A+ (or, for those of you who’ve studied with me, you may give yourselves a “C” 😉 because now, in the same way that you no longer have to recall the lesson of “how do I tie my shoes?” or “how do I safely pull my car into the driveway” because you’ve done it a million times, you may now assume that Lesson is part of you. It is part of your unconscious competence. It’s in your bones now, and you can’t unknow it.

So maybe you can afford to be a bit less vigilant, hm?

Step Two: You Did Not Act Alone

Let’s return to that troubling memory for a minute, and let me ask you a question:

Is it possible that you are over-accepting responsibility for this event?

Really.

Give it some thought.

Were there other people involved who also bear some responsibility for the way things went down?  Could someone else have helped you out a bit more than they did?

And I don’t mean to say that anyone ought to have done anything differently – after all, those other people are leading their lives just perfectly, too – but I want you to notice that you did not act in a vacuum.

How inexperienced were you at the time?

Did you have all the information you needed?  Are you giving yourself a hard time because you didn’t know then what you know now?  Can you see the ridiculousness of that?

Now write down the name of someone else who might’ve had a hand in this decision or event of yours.

And write down one piece of information that you have now but did not have then.

Do you see that this maybe was not all your fault?  That you were a part of a larger set of circumstances?  Could this new perspective maybe help you put down the whip for a minute?

Step Three: Do You Still Desire That Alternate Future?

Finally, answer this: how do you think your life would be different if you had, in fact, behaved differently?

Complete the sentence, “If I had/hadn’t done XYZ, I would now ________________.”

What goes in the blank?  Be a painter?  Be married?  Have lived abroad?  Still be friends with…?

Good.  Breathe that in.

Do you want that still?

If the answer is Yes, then what is one small (less than 15 minutes, easily within your budget) step you can take today to bring in this thing that you still want?

And be realistic with yourself – maybe you can’t move to Paris today, but you can buy some geraniums and a small photo of the Tour Eiffel to put on your desk.  You can start a penny-jar to save up for a plane ticket, yes?

Or maybe you think you would’ve been a famous textile designer now, so you’re going to spend 15 minutes researching new silk-screening technologies today.

Make it fun – a celebration – an experiment, even!

And perhaps you realized that you really DON’T want that thing anymore.  How marvelous!  Take a moment to celebrate that you “do not want what you haven’t got!”

And so maybe you are so glad that you didn’t marry that person, you decide to buy a special bottle of wine or imported soda pop or special after-dinner tea to commemorate your freedom from that choice.

Because you are here for the joy.  And to spend even one moment criticizing yourself for something that could not have gone any differently than it did is a waste of your light.

And the world needs your light.

The Patron Saint of Change

The Patron Saint of Change

“Oh, I HATE change!” she said.

And she shook her head and she closed her eyes and shuddered again. “Hate it!”

“Really?”  I said, “Because change sure loves you.”

Change loves you.  Look at how change is always present in your life, swirling around you and taking you in new directions.  Change wants you to notice what’s happening right now.  Change points out the infinite possibilities in each new moment.

Change wants to keep you from dwelling in the past (which is a dream) and from fretting about the future (also a dream) and keep you right here, in the gift of the present moment.

And the present moment is our one big chance to create something new.  Our ability to make something out of apparent nothingness is miraculous.  But it is only possible thanks to change.

And change is so forgiving.  If we miss our chance to change a minute ago, here change is again, fresh as ever.  Sometimes change shows off with a fabulous sunset or a look from a stranger across a crowded room or a big, unmistakable transition like a birth or a death, but mostly change just dwells right here with us in each heartbeat.

Feel that?  Each breath is change.  Each meal, each step, each smile – we are ever-transforming.  Things may feel the same, but it’s an illusion, like gazing at a stream or a waterfall, which appears static but is actually nothing but movement.

So: with us all the time…located in the present moment…contains infinite possibilities…forgiving…eternal…generative, creative…omnipresent…

Change is not just good: change is God.

Let me say that another way —

Change is not just good: change is the presence of the Divine.

Now, I don’t believe that the Divine cares how you feel about It.  The Divine just keeps being the Divine whether you believe or don’t believe, notice or don’t notice, call It by one name or another name or don’t call on It at all.

But I find my life goes more smoothly when I cooperate.  And when I quit trying to have control over that which I clearly have no control.  Much like arguing with gravity, hating change is rather a futile effort.  Better, maybe, to allow the laws of gravity to support you, and to allow the laws of change to enlighten you and to reveal more love to you, so that you may be in closer relationship with the Divinity of every beautiful, fleeting moment.

Disagreements Mean You Need More Information

Have you ever heard a conversation like this?

He: OK, it’s 3:30 – let’s go pick up my car from the shop.

She: I’m not ready to go right now.  Let’s go later.

He: I don’t want to go later.  I want to go now.

She: Why does it always have to be about what you want?

He: That’s ridiculous!  It’s never about what I want.  I never get to do what I want.  You always get your way…

Or like this?

Parent: Put on your shoes, please.

Kid: No.

Parent: Put on your shoes.

Kid: No.

Parent: Put on your shoes.

Kid: No.

Parent: All right, that’s it.  I’ve had it.  Put on your shoes right now or you are going to get a time out.  Is that what you want?  1….2….

Sound familiar?  OK – how about this one:

Your Heart: I want to work on my book.

Your Head: That’s dumb.  You never finish anything.  You’ve had that idea for years.

Your Heart: But I really love writing.

Your Head: Oh, please.  Ever since Mrs. Martin told you that you were a good writer when you were in the third grade you’ve been all hung up on writing.  You’re probably not even really any good.  And have you seen what’s happening to publishing lately?  Let’s go on Facebook…you can write funny things on your friends’ wall if you want to write so much.

Get Out Of Your Defensive Position

I think that it is very difficult to listen, to learn or to negotiate when you are feeling defensive.  You’re just too busy protecting your weak spots.  And maybe trying to get in a few jabs yourself.

So the next time you catch yourself with your arms crossed, your eyebrows raised and your temper beginning to flare, ask yourself: What More Information Do I Need? and What Information Can I Communicate More Clearly?

With those questions in mind, the first dialogue might go like this:

He: OK, it’s 3:30 – let’s go pick up my car from the shop.

She: I’m not ready to go right now.  Let’s go later.

He: I don’t want to go later.  I want to go now.

She: Well, I want to go later because I’m sort of in the middle of writing this blog post right now.  Why do you want to go now?

He: I have some errands that need to be done by 5pm, and I’m concerned about traffic.  If we stay here another 5 minutes, does that give you enough time to get to a good stopping point?

She: Oh, I didn’t know you had errands that were time-dependent.  Actually, we can just go right now.  I’ll have time to finish writing when we get back.

Or

Parent: Put on your shoes, please.

Kid: No.

Parent: I know you like to be barefoot.  I need you to put on your shoes because we’re going to the park and it’s cold outside and I don’t want your feet to get frozen like popsicles.  Then we’d have to change your name to “Popsicle Feet,” and I don’t think any of us want that.  Now, do you want to wear your red sneakers or your boots?

Kid: That’s silly.  OK…red sneakers, please.

Now, I know that negotiations – particularly family negotiations – don’t always go that easily.  Not everything can be solved by simply explaining your rationale.  (Especially when it comes to little kids and shoes – I know.)

But assuming good will diminishes conflict.
Full disclosure makes room for cooperation.

And how about that internal conversation?

Your Heart: I want to work on my book.

Your Head: That’s dumb.  You never finish anything.  You’ve had that idea for years.

Your Heart: I know – that’s how I know it’s an important project.  Because I had this idea years ago and I’m still thinking about it.

Your Head: Oh, please.  Ever since Mrs. Martin told you that you were a good writer when you were in the third grade you’ve been all hung up on writing.  You’re probably not even really any good.  And have you seen what’s happening to publishing lately?  Let’s go see what’s happening on Facebook…you can write funny things on your friends’ wall if you want to write so much.

Your Heart: Head, you get scared so easily, and I know you’re just trying to protect us.  Thanks for that.  Tell you what: I’m going to set this timer for 15 minutes and write.  Then we can go on Facebook, OK?

So:

1) What are you disagreeing about?

2) What are you trying to protect?

3) What more information do you need?

4) What more information could you provide?

5) How can you affirm your good will towards yourself or towards others?  (Smile, give a kiss, say something sweet, make a good joke – not a mean joke!  a fun joke! – let them know that you’ve walked a mile in their red sneakers…)

To Begin And To Begin Again

Starting over can be so dispiriting, you know?

Even just the phrase, “starting over” implies that one is going back to the beginning. And from kindergarten on up, we are taught that having to go back to the beginning is not a good sign.

And worse, it sounds boring. It sounds like now we’re stuck having to go back and do the same dumb things that didn’t even work the first time.

This is no way to appeal to the bright, creative, industrious person that you are.

So let’s rephrase:

“I’m starting a whole new thing!”

“First I was planting and watering, now I’m pruning and harvesting.”

“First I was doing somersaults on the floor, then on the balance beam, now I’m doing them mid-air on the uneven bars.”

“Same problem: different outfit!”

“My life is a gyre – I move in ever-widening circles, gaining altitude each time.”

When you need to begin again, make sure you can do so with the fresh, open joy of a true new beginning.

Has Someone Stolen Your Idea?

“I’m worried that someone will steal my idea.”

Sometimes that thought will:
– prevent you from moving forward on your project
– prevent you from talking to people (some of whom could help you) about your project
– keep you stuck
– keep you in “getting ready to get ready” mode
– make you paranoid and suspicious (ick)

And since we want you to be in a state that is clear, flowing and free from psychological impediments, let’s see if we can’t unpack that anxiety a bit.

First of all: I don’t believe that it is possible to steal an idea. But let’s try it, just to see. I would like you, right now, to COPY someone else’s work. That’s right. Pick a piece you like (a book, a painting, a song, a jewelry design…whatever medium you like) and plagiarize. Copy that piece as closely as you can. Write in the style of that author, sculpt in the style of that sculptor, play in the style of that musician. As much as possible, try to mimic them exactly.

How’d you do?

My guess is that it still came out more like you than like them.  (But let me know, OK?)

I will tell you that Elvis Costello actually recommends this practice to beginning songwriters. His theory is that by attempting to mimic the artists you admire, you will both develop your own voice and also learn some of what makes your heroes great.

So even if someone does steal your idea, they can’t do with it what you can do with it.  Only you can execute your ideas your way.

Secondly, people who steal tend to have pretty lousy karma, and chances are that “your” idea will eventually just turn to dust in their hands. While you, as a creative genius, are a never-ending fountain of ideas! You can just create and create and create. Someone steals your idea? Bless them and let them go. You’ve got an even better idea coming down the pike right now.

Finally, the fact that more than one person is promoting “your” idea is actually great for business. After all, the Impressionists wouldn’t have made nearly as much of an impression if there had been only one of them.

So take whatever precautions seem prudent (register dramatic works with the WGA, ask for non-disclosure agreements when appropriate, check with experts: an entertainment lawyers, literary agents, whomever…) but please don’t keep your work to yourself.

The world needs your art, and if they need so badly that they have to steal it, well, then, perhaps you’d better just give it to them.