I should have done things differently.
Now it’s too late.
I’ve missed my chance.
I screwed it up.
I should have known.
I say: baloney.
You did the very best you could do under the circumstances and with the information you had at the time.
Honestly, I’m not sweet-talking you with some feel-good mumbo jumbo here — I’m serious.
As I’ve said, in my experience everyone is always doing the best they can do — and if they could do better, they would.
So we need to bless the past. We need to settle in to the reality that the past cannot be any different from what it is.
We need to look back and realize that we have, indeed, always done the best we knew how to do — even when our best wasn’t very good. And that if the universe is friendly, we can assume it’s all been, somehow, correct.
We can wish things were different, but we might as well wish the mountains would walk down to the sea, because in this very moment, they can’t be any different.
Sometimes something happens that hurts us so deeply we think it can’t be right — it must be bad. We do something awful to someone we love. We ignore our intuition and we stay in some bad job, relationship, or situation longer than we should.
We are caught in some life circumstance that feels just horrible. I’m not saying we should paint those situations pink and call them cheerful. That would be diminishing, disrespectful, and cold.
You are allowed to feel as hurt as you are, as angry as you are, as sad as you are, as disappointed as you are.
Do whatever you need to do to express those feelings in a safe way:
bash the mattress with a whiffle bat, pray, cry, run, write, sing, apologize…
If you need help to move through those feelings, for heaven’s sake, set aside your pride/skepticism/reluctance and get some. And once we’ve worked through all our emotions, we are still left with the truth: the past is what it is, and it cannot be different.
Often, having discharged our pent-up emotion about the past, we can even see how it really was for the best — how whatever happened was a valuable (if painful) lesson for us, and we can genuinely feel grateful for the experience.
Even in the case of loved ones dying, well, we have to know that as much as it saddens us to lose time with our beloveds, we all have to die. Even with everything we know about medicine and prevention and safety, illness, death, and accidents still happen — in just the same way that unlikely healings and miracles and near misses still happen.
So we are humbled by our lack of control, and we bow our heads and still our hearts and say, “It is what it is.” And it cannot be any different, no matter how hard we wish it were so.
We can cling to the fantasy that it’s possible to change the past, or we can declare the past the past, deal with our current feelings (whatever they may be), and move on. The past is what it is, and we can move on from here.
ACTION STEP:
Repeat after me: I can move on from here.
Photo credit: Khánh Hmoong via photopin cc
It isn’t the prettiest aspect of your personality, but there it is: jealousy.
Ick. How very seventh-grade of you. But all of us, no matter how far beyond seventh grade we’ve gotten, feel jealous sometimes.
And here’s a news flash: jealousy is a gift.
Jealousy is your gut’s way of telling you that first of all, whatever it is, you want some. And moreover, you believe that you could have it. After all, you are never jealous of those who have things you don’t want.
Imagine that your best friend just added an amazing rare frog to her rare frog collection. Feel jealous? I didn’t think so.
If you have no interest in frog husbandry, you don’t feel jealous. Mystified, maybe, about why she might want to collect frogs to begin with (in much the same way your family might feel about you and your choice of a career in the arts), but in no way jealous.
Now, if that same friend suddenly lucked into an all-expenses paid six-month artist’s retreat in a villa in Provence, you might feel jealous. Because that, you want.
This is part one of the gift: the simple acknowledgment of desire.
I don’t know about you, but I sometimes pretend that I don’t want what I want. I pretend that things are okay with me when they aren’t. I pretend to be patient when I feel impatient. I pretend I don’t mind being passed over when, in fact, I mind very much.
Have you done that? Tried to quiet that “I want” voice? Hurts a bit, no?
The second half of the equation, and perhaps the more important half, is this: you believe you are capable of getting it. You are only ever jealous of things you believe you could do or have yourself.
What if your frog-loving best friend just swam the English Channel? Still not jealous, are you? Of course not, because not only do you not want to do that, but you also don’t think you have the ability.
But if that friend wins an award in something you think you could do, or reaches some milestone you aspire to, or obtains some neat thing that you’re pretty sure you could obtain if only the circumstances were right, then that green-eyed monster light is likely to start flashing.
Exercise : Harnessing the Power of Jealousy
Jealousy is a signal from within about desire and will. Add a little anger (also known by its polite name, frustration) and the recipe is complete.
Again, it’s not pretty, but it is an important message from your inner self — ignore it at your peril.
So the next time you find yourself trying to muzzle that nasty little voice of jealousy, take a moment and ask yourself:
1. Do I want that?
2. Why do I want that? What will getting that thing mean
to me?
3. Do I think I could have it?
4. What do I think is standing in the way of my obtaining that?
5. What fifteen-minute baby steps could I take today toward
that?
See if making a little progress toward your own goals doesn’t turn that jealous-monster voice into a happy-cheering-look-at-me go voice.
Keep making those baby steps toward your goal, and I bet that someday soon someone might just be jealous of you.
This short video with the special offer gets taken down at midnight 8/30/13 – don’t delay!
So I’m at an audition for a network TV show this morning (good show, good little part – I’ll let you know if I book it : ) and into the quiet waiting room barrels in this actress – let’s call her “Sally” – and she flops herself in a chair and immediately starts complaining. Loudly.
She’s complaining about the heat and the parking and her hurt ankle and the show she used to be on that got cancelled and her mechanic who’s probably a crook and this famous film director who’s a horse’s ass and were they running late because she hated it when she had to wait around in a casting office especially for such a dumb little part…
Shocking, right?
To walk into what is, basically, a JOB INTERVIEW and do nothing but 1) complain and 2) play the victim and then 3) bad-mouth other people in the industry?!?!?
Wow.
You don’t have to be an actor to know that kind of behavior is unacceptable. Poisonous, even.
But here’s the thing: I don’t think Sally thought she was being rude. I think she thought she was – honestly – just making conversation.
I think Sally is so caught up in the little punishments of life that she’s completely forgotten to focus on the good stuff.
(Do you find yourself complaining and commiserating just to make small talk?)
I think Sally has been disappointed so many times that she’s started to predict doom no matter what.
(Do you guard yourself from good, not wanting to get your hopes up?)
And Sally didn’t look very healthy to me; I suspect her weight makes her physically uncomfortable which also darkens her mood.
(Is your body making you miserable?)
Here’s what’s funny: when I think about it, everything Sally said was basically true.
I also had noticed that it was really hot outside and the parking was kind of confusing and I’m sure that famous film director really is a horse’s ass… BUT NONE OF THAT BOTHERS ME.
I was happy to be at the audition. I’ll be happy if I get the part and just as happy if I don’t. I like my life. I like my body. I like acting. I like writing emails to you all. I even liked my long drive into LA, because I got to listen to one of my favorite inspirational CDs.
None of it feels like a chore because it all feels like a blessing.
My happiness is not circumstantial.
I have taught myself to be joyful pretty much no matter what. And I see the results of that joy in my work, in my bank account, in my relationships and in my environment.
If you’d like to increase your JOY, CREATIVITY and PRODUCTIVITY then I invite you to join me for my brand-new Start Right Where You Are program that starts this Wed. Sept. 4th.
(Type in the promo code “Carol” and you can get a secret 6-pay plan of less than $97/month! YAY!)
The video above features a special offer that ENDS TODAY at MIDNIGHT (Friday, Aug. 30 at 12 midnight PT) and of course it’s satisfaction guaranteed or your money cheerfully refunded so if you think this course might be fun then, honey — JUMP IN!
Just click on the image to see the video or go to: www.StartRightWhereYouAre.com
Let’s make this fall a time of true transformation for you, so you can rediscover the joy of being you no matter what.
I’d love to work with you.
P.S. End your indecision, confusion and feelings of overwhelm by joining my brand-new program: Start Right Where You Are. It’s a webinar once every 2 weeks to get you clear, activated and creative – click here.
(Use the promo code “Carol” and get a 6-pay plan of just $96/month!).
Satisfaction guaranteed or your money cheerfully refunded. – S.
We hear this story all the time:
“I tried everything! And then finally…”
Finally, the solution is found.
Finally, the right diet and exercise plan kicks in.
Finally, your perfect partner arrives in your life.
Finally, the gate that seemed locked is opened.
And maybe part of us thinks,
“Jeez, if only I’d tried this sooner…”
But to me, the important part of the story is the first part:
I Tried Everything.
Yes, you did. You tried things and you kept trying and you kept showing up and you persisted even when you were so discouraged you couldn’t even think straight. That’s how a person gets to the “finally” part. By staying on the path and putting one foot in front of the other.
That’s faith in action.
And for those of you who haven’t gotten to the “finally” part of the story – oh, honey – I feel your pain.
Especially when everyone around you has such helpful suggestions. Suggestions like, “Oh, when you stop trying – that’s when it will happen!” Really? Or, “You should try this thing that worked for me/my sister/my neighbor’s best friend in Ohio.” Really?
And maybe you’re even thinking about giving up. And maybe you should.
Here’s one way to get a reading on whether or not you should just give up: make a picture in your mind of you just setting down this burden. Imagine you just taking the whole heavy load and setting it down right there on the side of the road. Imagine taking a few steps down the road away from it.
How do you feel? Relieved?
Then maybe, sweetheart, it’s time to set it down for now – not necessarily for always, but for now.
Or do you feel that welling up of spirit (your parents might have called it “stubbornness”) that says, “I WILL find a way!” If that’s so, then all righty. Pick your bundle up and walk on. And keep trying everything – even crazy things, even the thing that worked for that person in Ohio.
And someday – I guarantee it – you will be able to tell the story of your journey and say, “Well, I tried everything, and then finally…”
So tell me – what circumstance in your life had you trying everything? And what finally worked? Or are you still in it? What have you tried? What are you thinking of doing next?
“I love your work…”
“Wow, your life is so perfect…”
“You changed my life…”
Sounds great, right? All that praise and approval?
Isn’t that just what you’ve always wanted?
So why do you have a horrible, sinking feeling in your stomach?
There are quite a few unexpected thoughts and feelings that can arise when you begin to be a successful public person:
- “I’m a fraud.”
- “Everyone thinks my life is perfect and it is SO not perfect – I feel awful.”
- “Why is being so popular so exhausting?”
Don’t worry – you’re not crazy. You’re just dealing with a very wonderful problem.
Here’s the link to the blog post I created about this topic for the wonderful people over at CreateHype.com:
http://createhype.com/why-it%E2%80%99s-so-awful-when-everyone-thinks-you%E2%80%99re-so-wonderful/
And here’s the free audio event I recorded about this topic:
Download
I’d love to hear your thoughts….
As Things Begin, So They Go…
It is my experience that when a project or relationship begins with missed communication, confusion and weirdness, it almost never gets better. Keep a weather eye out for the Flakes, Bananas and Flim-Flam Artists and when you smell something sour, GET OUT.
(Be gracious, of course, but GET OUT.)
On the other hand, if things start out all groovy, flowing, fun and easy – don’t wait for more evidence. Seal the deal.
Our first impressions are not always spot-on, but you may have noticed that they’re a lot more reliable than our “logical” I’m-doing-this-because-it-makes-sense-despite-my-niggling-reservations-about-it decisions, yes?
Here’s to trusting your instincts today!
