We all have our family of origin, and then we have our family of friends.
It ’s one of the great perks of adulthood — you get to pick a second family of friends who love you.
While it ’s likely that both these families love you and care about you and want the best for you, you may have noticed that most of them neither know nor care much about your work.
They don’t understand what you do. They don’t understand why you do it. It probably even seems kind of crazy to them.
That ’s okay.
Your family is in your life to love and support you as a person — they are not here to be your audience, your clients, or your critics.
Do not expect anyone to have any understanding of what you do or why. After all, do you understand why firefighters actually choose to run into burning buildings?
Or why neurosurgeons elect to put their hands inside someone ’s brain? Of course not. We ’re just damn grateful they do.
Same with art. People who are not artists haven’t got the faintest idea what it’s like to be you.
And people who aren’t parents can’t really know what it’s like to have kids, and people who’ve never suffered from depression can’t imagine how bleak life can seem —
you see where I’m going with this?
So if your family bums you out by saying ignorant or disparaging things about your work, just keep your head down and your shields up and change the subject.
You’re stuck because you think you know what you don’t know.
But you don’t.
Because you’ve never done This before.
You think you know how your project is going to unfold, and I’m here to tell you that you don’t.
You think you know how much people will pay for your product or service, and you don’t.
You think you know how much work your project will be for you, and you don’t.
You think you know how your project will be received, and you don’t.
All these things you think you know (but don’t) are keeping you from moving forward.
Think back to your own experience – every single project you have ever done for the first time has grown and stretched and changed and evolved as you’ve worked on it, right?
So let’s pretend you are an absolute beginner, and enter this project with a spirit of joyful exploration.
The Isle of Skye
What if there was
another you who lived on the Isle of Skye?
And what if, in the soft light of that
other home,
you forgot to think the thoughts
that hold you back?
What if, in the mist,
you knew all,
you forgave all,
and you remembered to be
oh so gentle with yourself?
What if you, on the Isle of Skye,
could just breathe,
wearing a warm sweater
and half a smile?
And what if your heart’s own work just flowed out of you –
lipping in between the endless hills and endless sea – a balm unto the world?
© 2014 Samantha Bennett
Guess what? It’s okay to have some positive thoughts about yourself.
Many of us were raised in intellectual households, where if you couldn’t prove your point, well, you were just being delusional. I’m asking you to be a little delusional. You may be reluctant to think nice thoughts about yourself. I understand. You may feel that your negative thoughts “keep you in line” and you don’t want to “get a big head.”
Darling, you will not get a big head. I promise.
EXERCISE: TEN NICE THINGS
Step 1. Write Down Ten Successes, Wins, or Blessings from the Past Year.
Grab a pen and write down ten good things that have happened in the past twelve months. It’s time to give those chattering critical voices in your head a rest. It’s time to change the tape. It’s time to accentuate the positive.
If it doesn’t work, no worries — you can always go back to thinking negatively any time you’d like.
(“I paid off all my credit cards” or “I learned how to cook a perfect roast chicken”), things that happened to you (“My cousin gave me that wonderful birthday present” or “I got asked to perform the solo”), things that happened around you (“There is some jasmine growing right next to my bedroom window, and it smells heavenly” or “Those noisy neighbors finally moved away”) or (most likely) some combination of the above.
Don’t have a contest with yourself about the “best” things that happened to you; just list some things that, when you reread the list, make you nod and smile to yourself and think, “Yep. That’s pretty good.”
Step 2. Write Down Ten Nice Things about Yourself.
Now make a list of ten nice things about you. They may be nice qualities that you were born with, like your quick mind and your lovely eyes. They may be nice skills you’ve learned, like your gorgeous gardening skills and your ability to run a mile without losing your breath.
Or maybe they’re things other people appreciate about you, like what a safe and courteous driver you are, and how you always remember everyone’s birthday. Push yourself to come up with ten.
After all, the assignment is not to write down ten extraordinary things about you, or ten things that no one else in the world has ever done — just ten nice things that, again, you can look at and say, “Yep. That’s pretty good.”
The weddings, the birth dates, the bar mitzvahs and the first kisses.
But think for a moment about the private anniversaries of your heart:
The time you went to the city by yourself;
The day you committed your heart;
Buying your first piece of real furniture;
The moment you snapped out of it;
And oh, the time you told the terrible truth…
Create something in honor of your personal history today.
—Sam
From now on, you must keep track of every single compliment you get.
The rule is this: only write down the phrase or adjective– don’t record who said it or why or what you think they meant.
And I do mean EVERY compliment.
Even the ones you don’t think matter, like, “Oh, you look nice today,” or the generic ones like “Good job,” or even the ones that you suspect aren’t really meant as a compliment, like, “You are so funny…”
If you get one of those, then you write down:
Looks Nice
Does A Good Job
Funny
OK?
After several months, review the list and see what there is to see.
Here’s one to start with:
I think you are good and brave.
(Now go write that down.)
—Sam
