Sometimes you get all involved in the little things that are wrong, bad or need fixing. You obsess. You are blind to what’s good, what’s working, what’s excellent, even, and all you see are the little broken pieces and the long list of things that should have been done today, should have been done yesterday, should have been done three years ago…
That’s what we call Dusting the Baseboards in the Ballroom: you are bent over, completely oblivious to the glorious ballroom that is your life, thwacking away at invisible particles. Worse yet, when you look at other people’s lives, all you see is their ballroom. And you make comparisons. You do not come out well in these comparisons.
This is upsetting for a person.
And it’s not even the worst part. The worst part is when other people see YOUR ballroom and they start to praise its grace, its beauty, its excellence and you can’t even hear them because you are still dwelling on the dusty baseboards. You even feel sort of lonely and misunderstood – doesn’t anybody understand how hard you are working? Doesn’t anybody get how much still needs to be done?
No. They don’t.
So settle down for a moment and look around at your ballroom. Pretend it isn’t yours for a minute. See how lovely it is? Inspiring, even.
Fifty years from now the details that are worrying you now will not matter one whit. But the art you create, the novel you write, the doll you sew, the dance you perform – that will still be making a difference in the world. Yes, the dishes need to get done, but the world needs your art, so spend 15 minutes on your art first, OK? Art before housework.
And if you invite people in to your ballroom and allow the music to begin to play… if you light enough candles and remember to let a smile come to your lips… even you might lose sight of the dusty bits as you waltz through your glorious, glorious life.
I was at a conference listening to an acclaimed speaker deliver his talk when the very small half-thought flittered through my mind, “I think I’m getting a migraine.”
And my big, in-charge inner voice started to protest that no, this couldn’t be happening now, it was a very inconvenient time. But I have learned something in my years on earth: ignore the beginnings of a migraine at your own peril.
So I rapidly took some Excedrine Migraine (great stuff). Then I put on my sunglasses to cut the glare from the stage lights. Because here’s what else I’ve learned: I’d rather look foolish wearing sunglasses in a hotel ballroom than suffer through a migraine.
Then I calmly listened to the rest of the talk with only the ghost of a headache keeping me company.
Which brings me to my point —
Intuition works much the same way as a migraine.
Intuition first appears as a small, fluttering half-thought.
So easy to not even notice it. But ignore that flutter at your own peril.
Intuition responds well to quick action.
Move gently but swiftly forward without too much questioning or belly-aching and you will be instantly rewarded with a flood of peaceful, healing energy.
Intuitive actions may look ridiculous to others.
Did those sunglasses make me look silly? Like a rock star? Like I was on drugs? I honestly have no idea, and I don’t really care. I needed them for my own purposes and that was reason enough for me.
Here’s where The Analogy falls apart…
Sometimes when intuition is ignored it will grow louder and more insistent – like a migraine.
But more often, I think, intuition ignored just gets quieter and quieter until we are left alone in the echoing chamber of our lives, wondering why, when we’ve done everything “right,” we still feel so empty inside.
The good news is that given just a bit of attention and trust, intuition turns right back on, a bountiful rush of good ideas, hints, winks and whispers.
What about you?
Have you followed your intuition recently? How was that for you?
Have you ever heard a conversation like this?
He: OK, it’s 3:30 – let’s go pick up my car from the shop.
She: I’m not ready to go right now. Let’s go later.
He: I don’t want to go later. I want to go now.
She: Why does it always have to be about what you want?
He: That’s ridiculous! It’s never about what I want. I never get to do what I want. You always get your way…
Or like this?
Parent: Put on your shoes, please.
Kid: No.
Parent: Put on your shoes.
Kid: No.
Parent: Put on your shoes.
Kid: No.
Parent: All right, that’s it. I’ve had it. Put on your shoes right now or you are going to get a time out. Is that what you want? 1….2….
Sound familiar? OK – how about this one:
Your Heart: I want to work on my book.
Your Head: That’s dumb. You never finish anything. You’ve had that idea for years.
Your Heart: But I really love writing.
Your Head: Oh, please. Ever since Mrs. Martin told you that you were a good writer when you were in the third grade you’ve been all hung up on writing. You’re probably not even really any good. And have you seen what’s happening to publishing lately? Let’s go on Facebook…you can write funny things on your friends’ wall if you want to write so much.
Get Out Of Your Defensive Position
I think that it is very difficult to listen, to learn or to negotiate when you are feeling defensive. You’re just too busy protecting your weak spots. And maybe trying to get in a few jabs yourself.
So the next time you catch yourself with your arms crossed, your eyebrows raised and your temper beginning to flare, ask yourself: What More Information Do I Need? and What Information Can I Communicate More Clearly?
With those questions in mind, the first dialogue might go like this:
He: OK, it’s 3:30 – let’s go pick up my car from the shop.
She: I’m not ready to go right now. Let’s go later.
He: I don’t want to go later. I want to go now.
She: Well, I want to go later because I’m sort of in the middle of writing this blog post right now. Why do you want to go now?
He: I have some errands that need to be done by 5pm, and I’m concerned about traffic. If we stay here another 5 minutes, does that give you enough time to get to a good stopping point?
She: Oh, I didn’t know you had errands that were time-dependent. Actually, we can just go right now. I’ll have time to finish writing when we get back.
Or
Parent: Put on your shoes, please.
Kid: No.
Parent: I know you like to be barefoot. I need you to put on your shoes because we’re going to the park and it’s cold outside and I don’t want your feet to get frozen like popsicles. Then we’d have to change your name to “Popsicle Feet,” and I don’t think any of us want that. Now, do you want to wear your red sneakers or your boots?
Kid: That’s silly. OK…red sneakers, please.
Now, I know that negotiations – particularly family negotiations – don’t always go that easily. Not everything can be solved by simply explaining your rationale. (Especially when it comes to little kids and shoes – I know.)
But assuming good will diminishes conflict.
Full disclosure makes room for cooperation.
And how about that internal conversation?
Your Heart: I want to work on my book.
Your Head: That’s dumb. You never finish anything. You’ve had that idea for years.
Your Heart: I know – that’s how I know it’s an important project. Because I had this idea years ago and I’m still thinking about it.
Your Head: Oh, please. Ever since Mrs. Martin told you that you were a good writer when you were in the third grade you’ve been all hung up on writing. You’re probably not even really any good. And have you seen what’s happening to publishing lately? Let’s go see what’s happening on Facebook…you can write funny things on your friends’ wall if you want to write so much.
Your Heart: Head, you get scared so easily, and I know you’re just trying to protect us. Thanks for that. Tell you what: I’m going to set this timer for 15 minutes and write. Then we can go on Facebook, OK?
So:
1) What are you disagreeing about?
2) What are you trying to protect?
3) What more information do you need?
4) What more information could you provide?
5) How can you affirm your good will towards yourself or towards others? (Smile, give a kiss, say something sweet, make a good joke – not a mean joke! a fun joke! – let them know that you’ve walked a mile in their red sneakers…)
Apologies are to be reserved for times when you have transgressed and are truly sorry.
But for times when you are, in fact, not sorry, consider this strategy: don’t apologize; say, “Thank you.”
I got this advice from my friend Adam and it took a while to sink in for me. But once I realized it was a fabulous alternative to mealy-mouthing, I started to really enjoy using it.
So rather than saying, “I’m so sorry it’s taken me so long to get back to you, ” consider saying, “Thank you for being patient.”
Rather than saying, “I’m sorry I can’t do XYZ,” consider saying, “Thank you for understanding that X, Y and Z are not possible for me right now.”
And rather than saying, “I’m sorry to bother you with this,” try, “Thank you so much for being available for this.”
For me, this technique solves the problem of feeling like I need to apologize when I’m not really sorry – as we all know, an insincere apology is one of the ickiest communications possible – and it allows me to focus on the good, positive aspects of the situation.
In short: inspired gratitude beats feigned servitude every single time.
Starting over can be so dispiriting, you know?
Even just the phrase, “starting over” implies that one is going back to the beginning. And from kindergarten on up, we are taught that having to go back to the beginning is not a good sign.
And worse, it sounds boring. It sounds like now we’re stuck having to go back and do the same dumb things that didn’t even work the first time.
This is no way to appeal to the bright, creative, industrious person that you are.
So let’s rephrase:
“I’m starting a whole new thing!”
“First I was planting and watering, now I’m pruning and harvesting.”
“First I was doing somersaults on the floor, then on the balance beam, now I’m doing them mid-air on the uneven bars.”
“Same problem: different outfit!”
“My life is a gyre – I move in ever-widening circles, gaining altitude each time.”
When you need to begin again, make sure you can do so with the fresh, open joy of a true new beginning.
Attribution Some rights reserved by mira66 on flickr
I got this AMAZING email to day from Patti, who first got the “home study” Overcoming Procrastination Toolkit and got so much out of that that she’s now enrolled in the Get It Done Teleclass that starts tomorrow.
“Dear Samantha –
A short tale:
Awhile back, about 18 months, when I started grad school, I misplaced my morning prayer practice, along with my creative soul and writer self. (They got buried under piles of intellectual material.)
Recently, via your help with ‘pure preference’ (from the toolkit which I bought, and which inspired me to just take the live class!) I was able to recognize that I don’t want to be in grad school. At all.
So I’m leaving it. I want to get back to my creative writing. My prayer practice is part of that for me. It’s the way I center, pray for the life of the world, attune my gratitude, make space for the divine to come in, align with life, let go of sorrows.
A few days ago I started it again. I feel much better, needless to say.
And yes, the angels noticed. Quickly.
After I finished this morning, I checked my email, and first up was one from the editor of a lovely small journal asking me if she could use one of my poems in the upcoming issue, because it’s about mandalas and she felt the poem spoke to that. Appropriately, it’s called ‘Morning Glory.’ It reminds me of these morning classes, as well…of your teachings. I’m so looking forward to tomorrow. Blessings. –Patti in VT”
Here is the poem:
Morning Glory
In the morning’s garden glory
a small fern, the size perhaps of a thought,
begins to uncurl, opening itself to an as yet unknown world,
lacy fronds from its spiral core, a dancer awakened and unfolding.
It does what so many of us cannot do:
trust in the Godness of itself and this divine movement,
in the undeniable rightness of the timing
that tells it now is the moment to begin revealing its soul—
On this morning, like so many others
I sit under the oak and watch it, surrounded by a dozen
ordinary sparrows who flutter and chit. They land nearby
rightly ignoring me. The air
is a gospel of call and response
against a background of song pure and perfectly in tune—
a harmony that refuses to be undone
by human savagery or neglect.
The sun moves over the mountain by inches
warming the mist which draws back into itself
invisible again like its cousin, the wind.
Overhead thousands of leaves create a holy canopy
as if a bride and bridegroom are standing underneath
vowing solemnly to love each other without restraint.
Every creature, every song, every stone and leaf stalk
is a word of God, a gift, an eternal communion—and now I know
that it is only when we become insignificant and vast
we discover we must no longer beg to partake,
or break ourselves apart in order to carry the shame
of what we do, and leave undone
Instead we can listen and watch with each new soul
for the constant unfolding of Godstuff.
We can do what we must do—now—
not because a frenzied terror has gripped our hearts
but because we trust
in the rightness of the timing
and because we know that our smallness
is precious, and enough.
–Patricia Frankel, June 2009
www.pattifrankel.com
Totally GLORIOUS, Patti! This just thrills me to my bones.
Anybody else want in on the Get It Done Teleclass? www.GetItDoneTeleclass.com/winter
