For years I resisted the word “perfectionist.” I thought that word sounded simplistic and anal-retentive. It reminded me of surface-obsessed people running white gloves over lampshades and endlessly rearranging boring red long-stemmed roses in cut crystal vases.
“Perfectionism” sounded like a hobby for people who didn’t have anything better to do with their time.
But at the same time, I found myself exhibiting the following behaviors:
Now, it’s true that the above behaviors are exhibited by almost everyone at one time or another. And for an artist, well, “achieving the impossible” is practically our favorite thing.
Some of the greatest works of all time were the result of some artist pouring totally insane amounts of money, time, energy and life-force into a project everyone else thought was totally crazy.
But perfectionism wasn’t causing me to pour energy into my projects; perfectionism was preventing me from working.
Has that ever happened to you? How did you break the cycle?
While a lot of the coaching and free-advice giving I do is about making sure that you spend at least 15 minutes per day on the creative work that makes you happy, this bit is about attending to all those dumb, pesky details that can make your world feel like a dumb, pesky place to be.
For example, let’s take my client, Kevin. Kevin is a an actor – one of those good-looking-California-surfer types. He’s a hard-working member of a Los Angeles theatre company, and he occasionally books television and film work, usually playing a good-looking-California-surfer type.
Here’s Kevin’s list of dumb, pesky things:
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Get the car washed
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Clear off desk
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Take “Opening Night” outfit to the dry cleaners
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Clear out the nightstand drawer
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Scrub the tile grout in the tub
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Call Angela – her birthday was ages ago!
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Check DWP website about drip irrigation program
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Put scuba gear in garage – get it out of the bedroom
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Throw out holey underwear
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Wipe down patio furniture
Now, how long do you suppose these items had been on Kevin’s list?
Here’s Kevin’s embarrassing secret: nothing on that list was less than three months old, and some of them (nightstand drawer) had been on his to-do list for over five years. We can all point and snicker and laugh, but be honest, how many days or weeks or months have your to-do items been hanging around?
Now part of me wants to say to Kevin, “Look, clearly you don’t really give two hoots about getting your car washed, so why not just cross it off your list entirely and move on to a more interesting problem?”
But the fact is, it bothers him.
None of it bothers him very much, but all of them bother him a little.
So every morning Kevin wakes up, looks at his overflowing nightstand drawer and thinks that he should have cleaned that out already. Then he goes to the shower and cringes at the sight of his grubby tile grout. Then he gets dressed, rooting around for intact underwear, trips over the scuba gear, walks past his messy desk on which, somewhere, is his friend Angela’s phone number and he walks past the suit that’s waiting to go to the dry cleaners and he exits his home and notices the dried-out lawn and the grimy patio furniture and he gets in his dirty car and drives to work.
The poor man hasn’t been awake for 45 minutes and he’s already feeling terrible about himself.
That’s why I want you to take care of these niggling things. Not because anyone cares if your car is dirty, but because it’s affecting your self-esteem, and it’s affecting your ability to believe in yourself. “How can I start the project of my dreams when I can’t even find matching socks!” Well, perhaps you can’t.
So make a list of ten little things that:
- you know need doing
- you know that if you did them it would make positive difference in your life
- you’ve been putting off for some mysterious reason
You must keep this list to truly “little” things. Things that cost
less than $50. Things that take less than one hour to complete.
Things that might even be considered “errands.”
Now, schedule some time to complete these tasks. Might be 15 minutes a day, might be one whole day devoted to the whole list, might be delegating these tasks (yes! delegate!)
Let me know how it feels.
I’d love to hear what niggling little thing you’ve been putting off, and how it felt to finally get it done.
I Can’t Go On. I Can’t Go On. I’ll Go On., ww… by samanthabennett222
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When you find yourself all bummed out and thinking dire my-life-is-a-failure-type thoughts, my advice is to wallow in the feelings and ignore the thoughts.
HOW TO WALLOW
Cry.
Beat the mattress with a whiffle bat.
Run around the block as fast as you can.
Re-read a book you find comforting and transportive (Sci-fi? Romance? This is not the time to be an intellectual, here, people – we’re looking for comfort.)
Watch a movie, and not one of those “good for you” movies, either.
Work out.
Paint.
Scribble.
Write poetry (you know you want to…and you can call it “song lyrics” if you want)
Clean out your closet – be merciless.
Sleep, baby.
Write letters to the universe, pouring your heart out.
Go to a 12-step meeting.
Get down on your knees and pray.
Weed the garden.
Fingerpaint.
Listen to Fiona Apple or your personal equivalent.
Comfort food!
Re-read books you’ve read before.
Watch home improvement/animal/decorating shows on TV – shows where nothing bad ever happens.
The idea is to burn off the fog of feelings with the sunshine of energy.
You wouldn’t let an over-tired child make an important decision, would you?
Of course not – you would distract that child with something soothing and fun until they were calm enough to move forward.
So, when you’re in the grip of strong feelings, be your own good parent.
How do you like to wallow?
Don’t go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Don’t call ex-lovers when you’ve been drinking.
Don’t think when you’re feeling.
Let’s say you have a disappointing day. Everything is going wrong. Bills, parking, people, money, friends, the very streets seem to be out to get you. You feel alone, sad, furious, frustrated, exhausted and forgotten. You think, “That’s it. I’ve had it.” And you decide to turn your back on your life and start over.
The thought of which depresses you even further.
Or maybe you’re ill, or in physical pain. My friend Chris gets a cold and suddenly his whole life feels like a pathetic joke in which nothing good can ever happen. When his body is weak, his thinking gets weak, and it’s hard to ignore the dark thoughts that are one of his “symptoms.”
Or maybe your illness is actually a hangover; post-alcoholic depression is no joke. Even if you are not suffering from the physical effects of drinking too much, your brain may be. And in it’s weakened condition, your brain is liable to throw out an awful lot of negative thoughts. It’s perilously easy to believe negative thoughts when you’re hung over.
Or perhaps you are in the middle of a truly awful situation. When you have lost something or someone you love, be it a person, an animal, a place, a job, a relationship, or even just your idea of the person you thought you were, you will grieve. According to the Greeks and Sam Christensen “Grief is the Daughter of Anger and Sadness” and “Revenge is the Son of Anger and Sadness,” – an evocative conceptualization, huh? When we are caught in the strong tides of circumstance and emotion, our cognition is affected. And not, as you’ve probably noticed, for the better.
Has this happened to you? When we’re in the extremes of an emotion, it’s all too easy to tie those emotions to thoughts, and those thoughts certainly feel real. But they are not. The thoughts you have when you are operating at a low vibration are a fraud. They are the devil, sneaking in when you’ve left the doorway of despair open even a little bit.
People who make decisions when they’re upset are called Drama Queens. They live in a turbulent, tumultuous world in which nothing can be relied upon, because they allow their ever-shifting feelings to make their decisions for them.
In the same way that alcoholics and addicts constantly “change the rules,” Drama Queens also create an environment in which no one ever knows how they will be received. Will there be hugs and kisses and a face wreathed with smiles? Or glowering? Or mean-spirited remarks? When people come to understand that they cannot rely on you, then will begin to avoid you. Maybe not right away, but eventually they will decide that your erratic, unpredictable behavior is just more trouble than it’s worth. You have become a person without integrity.
So, you know…Don’t be that way.
If you’re feeling low, you have a few choices: you can just lay low, you can can wallow in it (see “How To Wallow”) or you can try to keep your chin up and soldier on. But really, don’t make any big decisions or rash moves until you’re done feeling your feelings, OK?
NOTE: If you’re feeling low for more than two weeks, go see your doctor and don’t leave that doctor’s office until you’ve gotten some help.
So, what lessons have you learned about “not thinking while you’re feeling”?
