We love the story of life as a road. (Success is a ladder. Time is ever marching forward.)
But we know it’s not true.
We are on shifting sands, sliding forward and backward and sideways and diagonally in our thinking, our feeling, our learning and our lives.
Time swirls about us endlessly; effortlessly sweeping us back to That Day in the Third Grade…That Picnic by the Lake…That Long and Horrible Night…no, certainly time is the most unreliable of all the unreliables.
If we think of our lives as being linear, we cheat ourselves out of the fullness of our experience.
Plus, it’s that foolish linear thinking that leads to self-immolating thoughts like, “I should be more successful by now” and “Look, that person is more successful than I am.”
We know these thoughts are lies, too, but if you only measure by the clock it is all too easy to slip those lies into your pocket and carry them around as part of your belief about yourself.
The more we learn about our art (our love), the less we know.
The longer we live on this earth, the more the years seem to pass in a day.
As our fortunes rise and fall, the more we recognize that money and status are no more accurate a marker of success than a new crop of tomatoes or a big hug from an eight-year old.
Today, challenge yourself to notice the ways in which your life is a gyre, moving in many looping directions all at once. And how that is good and meet.
Listen to podcasts hosted by smart, generous people.
There are a lot of brilliant people out there giving away their
very best secrets, and you owe it to yourself – and your
business – to learn as much as you can from them.
I know the sheer volume of information out there can feel
overwhelming, but dedicating some time each day to learning
will pay off in a thousand different ways.
Consider seriously points of view you don’t agree with. What do
they know that you don’t?
1. Write down all the activities that you typically do in a day, such as:
drive in the car pool
do laundry
pay bills
make phone calls
write
work out
get the mail
read
work with clients
play with the kids
plan upcoming travel
coordinate volunteers for charity event
go to the grocery store
cook supper
watch TV
2. Now put an asterisk next to the tasks that only you can do.
So the asterisked items might be:
write
work out
read
work with clients
play with the kids
3. Find a way to get the un-starred items off your plate.
You may need to hire someone, or you may need to simply ask some of the other grown-ups in your life for help.
Teach the kids to do the laundry, and get a co-chair to work with the volunteers.
Yes, you will have to get over some of your perfectionism — nobody else is going to do as good a job cooking dinner or sorting the laundry as you do.
But guess what? You have bigger fish to fry.
Your creative life is never going to take precedence over your everyday life unless you make it happen.
And the voice said, “Quit thinking you’re doing this wrong…”
I woke up very early on the Saturday before Easter and took a beach walk. The sky and the sea were the same shade of ever-lightening gray, and there was no one else in sight. As I walked, I prayed, and the voice came to me and said, “Quit thinking you’re doing this wrong.”
I stopped.
“Quit thinking you’ve screwed up. You are leading your life in precisely the right way. Your life is unfolding perfectly.
Not the way you’d planned, I know –
But still: diamond-perfect.”
And I started thinking about all the choices, events and situations that we revisit over and over in our minds, and how all that revisiting is stealing valuable energy and mind-space and creativity from NOW.
So I devised a few questions to help unlock a few of those…oh, “regrets” seems like a strong word to use…but the life choices that you still think about and feel sort of bad about.
Step One: You Have Learned Your Lesson
Perhaps you have a lot of these regrets and you really feel them getting in the way of your leading your best life. Or maybe you only have a few, or one or two. But all of us have at least one.
So pick an event from your past that you wish had gone differently. Could be anything:
A trip you didn’t take.
An apology that you bungled.
An opportunity squandered.
First, what is the Life Lesson of that event? What is the “moral of the story?” What behavioral change do you continually reinforce by dwelling on this?
That you are free to choose adventure over safety?
That you need to speak your heart?
That you can lean into the future rather than hanging back?
Good. So, how are you doing with that Life Lesson? Have you got it? Are you sure?
Think of three examples from your life where you have demonstrated an increased ability to be adventuresome, to heart-speak, to lean – or whatever your Lesson was.
I believe that you have learned that lesson. You may give yourself an A+ (or, for those of you who’ve studied with me, you may give yourselves a “C” 😉 because now, in the same way that you no longer have to recall the lesson of “how do I tie my shoes?” or “how do I safely pull my car into the driveway” because you’ve done it a million times, you may now assume that Lesson is part of you. It is part of your unconscious competence. It’s in your bones now, and you can’t unknow it.
So maybe you can afford to be a bit less vigilant, hm?
Step Two: You Did Not Act Alone
Let’s return to that troubling memory for a minute, and let me ask you a question:
Is it possible that you are over-accepting responsibility for this event?
Really.
Give it some thought.
Were there other people involved who also bear some responsibility for the way things went down? Could someone else have helped you out a bit more than they did?
And I don’t mean to say that anyone ought to have done anything differently – after all, those other people are leading their lives just perfectly, too – but I want you to notice that you did not act in a vacuum.
How inexperienced were you at the time?
Did you have all the information you needed? Are you giving yourself a hard time because you didn’t know then what you know now? Can you see the ridiculousness of that?
Now write down the name of someone else who might’ve had a hand in this decision or event of yours.
And write down one piece of information that you have now but did not have then.
Do you see that this maybe was not all your fault? That you were a part of a larger set of circumstances? Could this new perspective maybe help you put down the whip for a minute?
Step Three: Do You Still Desire That Alternate Future?
Finally, answer this: how do you think your life would be different if you had, in fact, behaved differently?
Complete the sentence, “If I had/hadn’t done XYZ, I would now ________________.”
What goes in the blank? Be a painter? Be married? Have lived abroad? Still be friends with…?
Good. Breathe that in.
Do you want that still?
If the answer is Yes, then what is one small (less than 15 minutes, easily within your budget) step you can take today to bring in this thing that you still want?
And be realistic with yourself – maybe you can’t move to Paris today, but you can buy some geraniums and a small photo of the Tour Eiffel to put on your desk. You can start a penny-jar to save up for a plane ticket, yes?
Or maybe you think you would’ve been a famous textile designer now, so you’re going to spend 15 minutes researching new silk-screening technologies today.
Make it fun – a celebration – an experiment, even!
And perhaps you realized that you really DON’T want that thing anymore. How marvelous! Take a moment to celebrate that you “do not want what you haven’t got!”
And so maybe you are so glad that you didn’t marry that person, you decide to buy a special bottle of wine or imported soda pop or special after-dinner tea to commemorate your freedom from that choice.
Because you are here for the joy. And to spend even one moment criticizing yourself for something that could not have gone any differently than it did is a waste of your light.
He: OK, it’s 3:30 – let’s go pick up my car from the shop.
She: I’m not ready to go right now. Let’s go later.
He: I don’t want to go later. I want to go now.
She: Why does it always have to be about what you want?
He: That’s ridiculous! It’s never about what I want. I never get to do what I want. You always get your way…
Or like this?
Parent: Put on your shoes, please.
Kid: No.
Parent: Put on your shoes.
Kid: No.
Parent: Put on your shoes.
Kid: No.
Parent: All right, that’s it. I’ve had it. Put on your shoes right now or you are going to get a time out. Is that what you want? 1….2….
Sound familiar? OK – how about this one:
Your Heart: I want to work on my book.
Your Head: That’s dumb. You never finish anything. You’ve had that idea for years.
Your Heart: But I really love writing.
Your Head: Oh, please. Ever since Mrs. Martin told you that you were a good writer when you were in the third grade you’ve been all hung up on writing. You’re probably not even really any good. And have you seen what’s happening to publishing lately? Let’s go on Facebook…you can write funny things on your friends’ wall if you want to write so much.
Get Out Of Your Defensive Position
I think that it is very difficult to listen, to learn or to negotiate when you are feeling defensive. You’re just too busy protecting your weak spots. And maybe trying to get in a few jabs yourself.
So the next time you catch yourself with your arms crossed, your eyebrows raised and your temper beginning to flare, ask yourself: What More Information Do I Need? and What Information Can I Communicate More Clearly?
With those questions in mind, the first dialogue might go like this:
He: OK, it’s 3:30 – let’s go pick up my car from the shop.
She: I’m not ready to go right now. Let’s go later.
He: I don’t want to go later. I want to go now.
She: Well, I want to go later because I’m sort of in the middle of writing this blog post right now. Why do you want to go now?
He: I have some errands that need to be done by 5pm, and I’m concerned about traffic. If we stay here another 5 minutes, does that give you enough time to get to a good stopping point?
She: Oh, I didn’t know you had errands that were time-dependent. Actually, we can just go right now. I’ll have time to finish writing when we get back.
Or
Parent: Put on your shoes, please.
Kid: No.
Parent: I know you like to be barefoot. I need you to put on your shoes because we’re going to the park and it’s cold outside and I don’t want your feet to get frozen like popsicles. Then we’d have to change your name to “Popsicle Feet,” and I don’t think any of us want that. Now, do you want to wear your red sneakers or your boots?
Kid: That’s silly. OK…red sneakers, please.
Now, I know that negotiations – particularly family negotiations – don’t always go that easily. Not everything can be solved by simply explaining your rationale. (Especially when it comes to little kids and shoes – I know.)
But assuming good will diminishes conflict.
Full disclosure makes room for cooperation.
And how about that internal conversation?
Your Heart: I want to work on my book.
Your Head: That’s dumb. You never finish anything. You’ve had that idea for years.
Your Heart: I know – that’s how I know it’s an important project. Because I had this idea years ago and I’m still thinking about it.
Your Head: Oh, please. Ever since Mrs. Martin told you that you were a good writer when you were in the third grade you’ve been all hung up on writing. You’re probably not even really any good. And have you seen what’s happening to publishing lately? Let’s go see what’s happening on Facebook…you can write funny things on your friends’ wall if you want to write so much.
Your Heart: Head, you get scared so easily, and I know you’re just trying to protect us. Thanks for that. Tell you what: I’m going to set this timer for 15 minutes and write. Then we can go on Facebook, OK?
So:
1) What are you disagreeing about?
2) What are you trying to protect?
3) What more information do you need?
4) What more information could you provide?
5) How can you affirm your good will towards yourself or towards others? (Smile, give a kiss, say something sweet, make a good joke – not a mean joke! a fun joke! – let them know that you’ve walked a mile in their red sneakers…)
