People are saying nice things to you all the time.
But I’m guessing you let most of them slide right past you. And some of you even deflect them (“Oh, no, it’s not that great…”) or immediately turn them around (“No, no, YOU are the genius…”)
I’d like you to consider the possibility that you’re being a little rude whenever you refuse a compliment.
First of all, the person is stating a truth. It may not be true for you, but it’s true for them. If they think your story is the best one they’ve ever read or that your church solo moved them or that you look nice in that sweater, that’s their business, and they get to be right.
So acknowledge that they are right. And don’t go around inflicting your opinion on them.
Just because you know you were a bit flat on the last chorus or that this sweater isn’t quite what it used to be doesn’t mean you need to tell them all about it.
Retain your empathy: remember the last time someone did that to you? You tried to say something nice and the person just wafted it away? Felt kind of icky, huh?
Here’s the other reason to take compliments seriously: they offer you valuable market research.
If someone says they find you fun or thought-provoking or nice or smart as a whip or inspiring, then use that language in your next brochure/email/elevator speech.
Imagine you’re at a holiday punch bowl standing next to someone you’d really like to impress and they ask you the oft-dreaded question, “So, what do you do?”
You may answer, “How kind of you to ask.
I’m a singer. I sing at weddings and other church events, and I also sing with a group that visits retirement communities. Someone recently said my work was ‘uplifting’ – which made me feel great, because that’s really what I want to do – lift people’s spirits.”
Nice, huh? You not only described your work but also conveyed the flavor and tone of your work and some of the truth about who you are.
It’s not bragging if it’s true.
P.S. This same strategy applies to criticism. If someone says your work is overwrought or shallow or kinda pitchy, dawg, then thank them for sharing their thoughts with you and DO NOT argue with them. Yes, your ego will flare up a bit. So go punch a pillow. But then remember to incorporate the information into your spiel.
So your next email might say something like, “I’m teaching a new class that teaches sign language to 9-18 month-old children. Some people might find this work superfluous or overly precious, but research shows that offering young children additional means of communication increases SAT scores by over 30%.”
(I completely made up that last part, by the way.)
See how acknowledging the truth clarifies your message?
Keep a running list of all the compliments you get and see what the trends are. Use those words to communicate the truth of you.
Here’s a compliment to start your list: you are good and brave.
photo credit: DG Jones via photopin cc
It’s so exciting at The Beginning, isn’t it?
You’re learning, you’re launching, you’re out there on the far edge of your experience and it’s a real thrill.
Then.
Then comes The Middle.
The Middle is where it gets kinda boring. It’s when the to-do list becomes an exercise in tedium. The End might have certain charms, but there’s very little that’s sexy about The Middle.
It’s like how Christmas shopping is for some people: way-super-fun picking out the lovely gifts for the people you adore, wrapping and shipping is an unbelievable drag but then witnessing the unwrapping of the gift is a blast.
So – how do you stay motivated through The Middle?
1) Remember your values. You began this process with the idea that your work will bring something important (more peace, greater enlightenment, better banana bread, thinner thighs…) to the world. Picture that effect rippling out in the world. Feel the joy. When you can’t get the train set suitably wrapped, it can be very invigorating to focus on the future: the delighted look on your little engineer’s face upon opening.
2) Delegate. Get help. Farm it out. Beg, borrow or trade. The work that is a giant drag for you might actually be sort of fun for someone else. Plus, that other person is not burdened by your story about your journey. (They aren’t thinking, “Oh, I should be done with this by now” or “This is probably a really dumb idea” or “Who cares about enlightenment anyway?” They are just doing the work.)
3) Pursue clarity. Put the to-do list down, turn off your phone and sit quietly for five minutes. No distractions. No music. Lock yourself in the bathroom to get away from the family if you have to, but find the place that is quiet inside of your head and hang out there. Deep breaths. Tell the monkey mind to zip it and call upon your more evolved, more loving, more spiritually evolved self. Put your hand on your belly and tune in to your Inner Wisdom, your Intuition, your Higher Self.
Listen closely to what that still, small voice has to say.
The Middle feels a little better now, huh?
Whatever your current project is, you oughtn’t try to go it alone.
Working alone can lead to stagnancy, burn-out and soul-damaging procrastination.
Working with others leads to better ideas, swifter execution and greater resources.
Five Ways To Help You Find Your People
Here are five suggestions of places you might look to build your support system:
1) Create A Group Within A Group
Think of groups/communities to which you already belong and see if you can’t find some like-minded folks to team up with there.
- Your alumni association
- Your religious/spiritual group
- Your book group
- Your softball team (or perhaps the folks in the bleachers?)
- Your gym/dance studio/tennis club
- Your family
- The dog park
- Your professional associations, unions, etc.
- Your recreational group: your choir, orchestra or garden club
Creating a sub-group from an existing group is a great strategy because you already know each other at least a little bit, and you know you have some shared interests.
So at the next meeting, just make a little announcement or pass around a flyer that says, “I’m creating a group that will meet once a week at our local coffee shop to support each other in executing our individual creative projects through brainstorming, cheerleading and sharing of resources. Interested? Call me at XXX-XXX-XXXX.”
2) Find a Virtual Group
The Internet is a fabulous place to interact with people from all over the world. Use normal precautions, of course, and while you might want to be discreet with your personal information, feel free to be lavish in your support and praise of others.
- Find or create a Facebook Group (super-easy to do).
- Join the conversation on some Blogs you admire.
- Check out Etsy.com (website for selling homemade art and crafts) not only for their great merchandise, but to find like-minded artists with whom to correspond.
- Create a NING.com group – that’s like creating your own private Facebook, sort of.
- Check out Seth Godin’s “Triibes” group at http://www.squidoo.com/tribesbook and if you’re interested, contact me and I’ll “invite” you to join his online community.
- Go to BlogHer.com, iVillage.com, Digg.com or delicious.com and find the blogs, websites and online communities that already exist and are just waiting for you to join in the fun!
3) Go Where They Are
Stake out the physical location where potential allies might hang out and start some friendly conversations with both the staff and the customers. Make sure you follow your instincts – don’t start talking to someone you don’t feel comfortable with.
- Bead shop
- Art supply store
- Specialty bookstore (travel, mystery, cooking, etc)
- Street fairs and farmer’s markets
- Craft fairs
- Theatre companies
- Libraries and community centers
- College campus events
- Take a class!
This has the added advantage of getting you out of the house.
4) Small But Mighty Masterminds
For several years now I have been part of a three-person mastermind group. We meet on the phone once a week for 90 minutes. Each person gets half an hour to talk, ask questions, brainstorm, whine and cry…whatever. We help each other devise strategies, proofread marketing materials, create websites, discuss pricing, solve problems, commiserate and cheerlead.
I guarantee that this weekly meeting has contributed more to my growth and success as an artist and an entrepreneur than any other single element in my life. Having smart, trusted advisers who are always on my side is better than gold. They challenge me, hold me accountable and celebrate with me.
Here are some guidelines we’ve used in creating our group:
- Commitment to the group is critical – we almost never miss a call.
- Honor time allotments – you can say or do whatever you want with your half-hour, but you only get a half-hour.
- The relationships are more important than the work – whatever happens, our first and primary commitment is to each other and to our friendship.
- Confidentiality is key – no gossiping allowed.
- Celebrate wins – each week we find a way to praise each person for her growth, her success, her honesty…we are all about positive reinforcement.
- Encourage and keep track of accountability goals. “Do you want to make a commitment around XYZ?” “Yes. By our next call I will have XYZ done or at least investigated other solutions.” And then the next week we ask about XYZ.
There are lots of books and websites dedicated to forming mastermind groups – check them out, experiment until you find the PERFECT people to partner with and watch your life improve!
5) Just One Friend
Even having one friend to talk things over with can get you started and pointed in the right direction.
But be discriminating.
Make sure your friend is:
- smarter than you are (at least in some ways)
- optimistic
- energetic
- willing
- supportive
- safe (will not gossip, deliberately hurt your feelings or tease you)
Good luck!
And tell me: What ways have you found to build community?
Here’s Reason #5 in the “Why Procrastination Is Genius In Disguise” series:
Click HERE to get your audio recording of this series (it’s waaaaaaaaaay down at the bottom of the page): http://www.getitdoneteleclass.com/fall/
So far we’ve covered:
1) Procrastination is Genius because underneath the pain of it (the hunger pain), it reminds you of your true desire.
2) The nonstop nagging isn’t working (never does).
3) You haven’t moved forward yet because – for whatever reason – it just hasn’t been the right time. And maybe you’ve been a bit scared, which is OK, but we’re not going to let our fear make our decisions for us.
4) You need to get unstuck from the past, bless it correct, forgive yourself (easier said than done, I know) move on in the only way we can: from right here, right now.
Great, Sam – So How Do I Get It Done?
Now that you are feeling clear about your desire and unstuck from the past, it’s time to implement some strategies to move forward on your project.
First of all, let me remind you that there are no rules.
Life is not school. There are no rules, no grades and no way to screw this up. This is your life: you are the expert on you, and you’ll do what’s best and what’s right for you.
That being said, I’ve been doing this a long time, and I can tell you a few tips that could help you out. And you might want to try them, if only to help you figure out what doesn’t work for you.
1) Allot 15 Minutes Per Day To Your Project
If I had the power actually make you do stuff, this is the number one thing I would enforce. I strongly urge you to set aside 15 minutes per day for your project.
It’s amazing how much work you can get done in 15 minutes, and it’s amazing how much progress you can make if you put in 15 minutes a day, seven days a week.
Try it. You’ll see.
How you spend this 15 minutes is entirely up to you, of course. I might recommend that you make a list of possible 15 minute tasks:
- some easy actions, like daydreaming
- some fun action, like brainstorming titles
- some tedious actions, like database updating
- some actions requiring courage, like a phone call to an important person.
With a pre-made list like that at hand, you can select a 15-minute action for each day that suits your mood.
Finally, I strongly recommend that you allot these 15 minutes in the morning, before you check your email or go online at all. It takes an iron will to resist the siren call of the Internet, but it’s worth it.
Whatever’s out there can wait for you to put yourself first for just these few minutes.
Plunging into your day knowing that you’ve already made even a little bit of progress on the work that is dearest to your heart will improve your whole world.
2) Find an Idea Catcher
You are a genius and you are having a lot of really good ideas every day.
But chances are, you’re not writing them down.
And the half-life of an unrecorded idea is…well, it’s pretty short. So find a system that works for you (I like index cards, but other people like notebooks, Blackberries, calling their own phone and leaving a message, Post-Its, etc.) and use it every day.
Then create a file, folder or envelope and label it “Genius” and at the end of each day, put your ideas in there. They will nest and grow and turn into something fabulous.
Paying attention to your creativity causes increased creativity.
3) Allot 15 Minutes A Day For Some Very Dull “Exercise”
That’s right – I want you to do some simple, repetitive motion for 15 minutes per day, every day. But it’s not to get fit or to lose weight or to lower your blood pressure – it’s to enhance your creativity. So find some simple, repetitive exercise that you don’t hate (walking, running, swimming, calisthenics, dancing, jump rope; if your range of motion is impaired, you can knit, toss cards into a hat, chop vegetables, fold laundry, sort paper…even going for a drive is good) and find time for it every single day.
Any repetitive task tends to occupy the left (logical) brain just enough for the right (creative) brain to flower. That’s why you always have such great ideas while you are in the shower, or while you’re out walking the dog.
So I’d like us to cultivate the habit of repetitive tasks in order to give our creativity and intuition a daily opportunity to speak to us.
And I think it’s important to make the “every day” commitment in order to automate your decision-making and free yourself up from the internal debate that sounds like, “Should I walk today? I walked yesterday. But I might not walk tomorrow. Plus, it might rain. I’m sort of tired…blah blah blah” which is just mentally running around in circles and can be a serious drain on your energy.
Tell yourself you’re going to do it every day (and you don’t have to do it well – feel free to make a somewhat half-hearted effort) and then do it. No excuses.
And let me reiterate: this is NOT for your health. It is for your creativity and your creativity alone.
A body in motion puts the mind in motion.
4) Enroll In The Get It Done Teleclass
I know a person is not really supposed to try and sell things on their blog, but I happen to know that this class really works for people, so my final suggestion is – and this will surprise exactly no one – sign yourself up for The Get It Done Workshop that starts THIS THURSDAY!
Get It Done is a 6-week project-based workshop designed to help you move forward on the projects that are important to you.
Your project can be anything:
- you want to finish your book
- you want to clean out the basement
- you want to find a new job
- you don’t know what you want
- you want to better market yourself & your business
- you want to commit to your artwork
- you have 37 projects and you can’t decide…
Whatever it is, this workshop – and it’s a weekly teleclass, just like a big conference call – will give you some structure and some accountability to Get It Done.
If you want to look at more info online, go to www.GetItDoneTeleclass.com/fall and there’s also some more information at http://sambennett.wpengine.com/workshops/get-it-done-workshop/
We meet for six Thursdays starting next Thursday Oct. 14 at this same time – 9:45am-11am Pacific Time – and the class costs $365.
$365 = A Dollar A Day For Your Project
And I would love to see you make that commitment to yourself.
Whether you spend a dollar a day on this workshop with me or on something else entirely, I want you to commit a dollar a day to moving forward on this work that you love and that you know will make a difference in your life.
I don’t offer any discounts, but if you want to pay me over time, that’s fine. You can pay me $36.50/month for the next ten months if you want. I don’t care. I just want you to do it if you want to do it. And if you try it and it’s not for you, then I’ll refund your money, no problem. Satisfaction guaranteed or your money cheerfully refunded. That’s my policy and I mean it.
Great. I want you to take a moment to breathe and to make whatever notes you’d like to about what you notice about what we’ve discussed so far, and then, if it feels right, think seriously about joining us for The Get It Done Teleclass (www.GetItDoneTeleclass.com/fall and there’s also some more information at http://sambennett.wpengine.com/workshops/get-it-done-workshop/)
Click HERE to get the free audio of this material plus LOTS more – your recording (it’s waaaaaaaaaay down at the bottom of the page): http://www.getitdoneteleclass.com/fall/
MORE TOMORROW….(tomorrow I’ll be sharing one of the craziest, wacka-doodle, creative, intuitive and FUN exercises I’ve ever invented! This will slay your procrastination dragon forever – YEE-HA!)
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“Your tele-seminar was awesome from start to finish — and you’ve motivated and encouraged me greatly just in this one session! THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!! Life has been very challenging, and you’ve given me practical, creative ways to fit working on my own dreams/goals into each day. I appreciate the time you gave us, sharing your expertise and gift of encouragement through your caring heart. I will put into practice what you’ve offered/shared… to realize that the world needs what I have to offer, because I’m the only one who can do what I do — that we’re all unique with unique gifts and ways of expressing those gifts. THANK YOU, SAMANTHA!!!!!!!!!”
– Sandra H., actress
“Thanks for offering such an insightful teleconference on procrastination. You really delivered lots of practical information, exercises and tips. The exercises are straightforward, easy to use and yield “can do” action steps. Very impressive! So many of these “free” calls are mostly fluff and advertising!
I appreciate the insight that the brains of creative people get overloaded and shut down because of too many variables and unknowns. That right there explains a lot!”
Elizabeth Hyland, M. Div.
Author of Surviving The Unemployment Roller Coaster: From Stress To Success
www.UnemploymentRollerCoaster.com
“I loved this morning’s call and I got a LOT from it that I’m sure I’ll use. I love your energy and the way you cut through resistance quickly in simple ways … so I’d love to work with you because I’m sure your ideas will be helpful.”
Virginia Ellenson
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