I’ve started to look at my to-do lists (although you know I like to call them “could-do” lists because to-do feels a bit dictatorial to me and “could do” makes me feel like I’ve got options) with a new lens: money.
Those of you who’ve worked with me are familiar with my Time/Money/Inclination Worksheet, which I use all the time in my actual life and I find invaluable for prioritizing my activities. So this is sort of the the down-and-dirty version for when I’m just roughing out a quickie list. I simply put a “$” next to the items that have to do with income.
Amazing how that little additional piece of information will change the order in which I do things.
Sometimes it will move a pesky task like “Invoice Client” right up to the top of the list. But sometimes it will help me see that something that has nothing whatsoever to do with income, like that letter I want to send to an old friend, is actually much more important to me than anything else and really must be done first.
And sometimes I’m really surprised by how many income-generating items I’ve left to languish, or by how much pressure I’ve been putting on myself to complete something that doesn’t contribute financially to my life at all.
Now, of course money can’t be the only deciding factor – and knowing you it never would be – you are much too soft-hearted for that. But if you’re catching yourself complaining about not having enough money, you might have some fun solving the problem by putting a little more attention on your highest-income producing activities.
People are saying nice things to you all the time.
But I’m guessing you let most of them slide right past you. And some of you even deflect them (“Oh, no, it’s not that great…”) or immediately turn them around (“No, no, YOU are the genius…”)
I’d like you to consider the possibility that you’re being a little rude whenever you refuse a compliment.
First of all, the person is stating a truth. It may not be true for you, but it’s true for them. If they think your story is the best one they’ve ever read or that your church solo moved them or that you look nice in that sweater, that’s their business, and they get to be right.
So acknowledge that they are right. And don’t go around inflicting your opinion on them.
Just because you know you were a bit flat on the last chorus or that this sweater isn’t quite what it used to be doesn’t mean you need to tell them all about it.
Retain your empathy: remember the last time someone did that to you? You tried to say something nice and the person just wafted it away? Felt kind of icky, huh?
Here’s the other reason to take compliments seriously: they offer you valuable market research.
If someone says they find you fun or thought-provoking or nice or smart as a whip or inspiring, then use that language in your next brochure/email/elevator speech.
Imagine you’re at a holiday punch bowl standing next to someone you’d really like to impress and they ask you the oft-dreaded question, “So, what do you do?”
You may answer, “How kind of you to ask.
I’m a singer. I sing at weddings and other church events, and I also sing with a group that visits retirement communities. Someone recently said my work was ‘uplifting’ – which made me feel great, because that’s really what I want to do – lift people’s spirits.”
Nice, huh? You not only described your work but also conveyed the flavor and tone of your work and some of the truth about who you are.
It’s not bragging if it’s true.
P.S. This same strategy applies to criticism. If someone says your work is overwrought or shallow or kinda pitchy, dawg, then thank them for sharing their thoughts with you and DO NOT argue with them. Yes, your ego will flare up a bit. So go punch a pillow. But then remember to incorporate the information into your spiel.
So your next email might say something like, “I’m teaching a new class that teaches sign language to 9-18 month-old children. Some people might find this work superfluous or overly precious, but research shows that offering young children additional means of communication increases SAT scores by over 30%.”
(I completely made up that last part, by the way.)
See how acknowledging the truth clarifies your message?
Keep a running list of all the compliments you get and see what the trends are. Use those words to communicate the truth of you.
Here’s a compliment to start your list: you are good and brave.
photo credit: DG Jones via photopin cc
Quit second-guessing yourself already.
Your first idea is fine. Even if you think it’s kind of dumb. Probably even ESPECIALLY if you think it’s kind of dumb.
And if turns out that your first thought isn’t so hot after all, you’ll find out: FROM OTHER PEOPLE. That’s right – you don’t get to decide if it’s good based on some weird standard inside your head; you let the marketplace decide for themselves if it’s good for them.
And if it isn’t, you’ll fix it…because that’s just how you roll.
It’s so exciting at The Beginning, isn’t it?
You’re learning, you’re launching, you’re out there on the far edge of your experience and it’s a real thrill.
Then.
Then comes The Middle.
The Middle is where it gets kinda boring. It’s when the to-do list becomes an exercise in tedium. The End might have certain charms, but there’s very little that’s sexy about The Middle.
It’s like how Christmas shopping is for some people: way-super-fun picking out the lovely gifts for the people you adore, wrapping and shipping is an unbelievable drag but then witnessing the unwrapping of the gift is a blast.
So – how do you stay motivated through The Middle?
1) Remember your values. You began this process with the idea that your work will bring something important (more peace, greater enlightenment, better banana bread, thinner thighs…) to the world. Picture that effect rippling out in the world. Feel the joy. When you can’t get the train set suitably wrapped, it can be very invigorating to focus on the future: the delighted look on your little engineer’s face upon opening.
2) Delegate. Get help. Farm it out. Beg, borrow or trade. The work that is a giant drag for you might actually be sort of fun for someone else. Plus, that other person is not burdened by your story about your journey. (They aren’t thinking, “Oh, I should be done with this by now” or “This is probably a really dumb idea” or “Who cares about enlightenment anyway?” They are just doing the work.)
3) Pursue clarity. Put the to-do list down, turn off your phone and sit quietly for five minutes. No distractions. No music. Lock yourself in the bathroom to get away from the family if you have to, but find the place that is quiet inside of your head and hang out there. Deep breaths. Tell the monkey mind to zip it and call upon your more evolved, more loving, more spiritually evolved self. Put your hand on your belly and tune in to your Inner Wisdom, your Intuition, your Higher Self.
Listen closely to what that still, small voice has to say.
The Middle feels a little better now, huh?
Quick: list five of your qualities that can really help you out today. Notice that they don’t have to be “good” qualities.
I’m going to guess that you possess at least some of the following:
- Stubbornness
- Great Good Humor
- Tenacity
- Curious and Questioning Mind
- Good Taste
- Vision (Can See What’s Not There Yet)
- Truth-Seeking
- Strong Intuition
- Unusual Strength of Spirit
- Compassionate and Tender-Hearted
You may have been criticized for these qualities as a young person.
But you know they are truly your friends.
Name three more of your unique and useful qualities and make sure you tap into those today.
Heck, why not use them in a Facebook posting? Just a thought…
Whatever your current project is, you oughtn’t try to go it alone.
Working alone can lead to stagnancy, burn-out and soul-damaging procrastination.
Working with others leads to better ideas, swifter execution and greater resources.
Five Ways To Help You Find Your People
Here are five suggestions of places you might look to build your support system:
1) Create A Group Within A Group
Think of groups/communities to which you already belong and see if you can’t find some like-minded folks to team up with there.
- Your alumni association
- Your religious/spiritual group
- Your book group
- Your softball team (or perhaps the folks in the bleachers?)
- Your gym/dance studio/tennis club
- Your family
- The dog park
- Your professional associations, unions, etc.
- Your recreational group: your choir, orchestra or garden club
Creating a sub-group from an existing group is a great strategy because you already know each other at least a little bit, and you know you have some shared interests.
So at the next meeting, just make a little announcement or pass around a flyer that says, “I’m creating a group that will meet once a week at our local coffee shop to support each other in executing our individual creative projects through brainstorming, cheerleading and sharing of resources. Interested? Call me at XXX-XXX-XXXX.”
2) Find a Virtual Group
The Internet is a fabulous place to interact with people from all over the world. Use normal precautions, of course, and while you might want to be discreet with your personal information, feel free to be lavish in your support and praise of others.
- Find or create a Facebook Group (super-easy to do).
- Join the conversation on some Blogs you admire.
- Check out Etsy.com (website for selling homemade art and crafts) not only for their great merchandise, but to find like-minded artists with whom to correspond.
- Create a NING.com group – that’s like creating your own private Facebook, sort of.
- Check out Seth Godin’s “Triibes” group at http://www.squidoo.com/tribesbook and if you’re interested, contact me and I’ll “invite” you to join his online community.
- Go to BlogHer.com, iVillage.com, Digg.com or delicious.com and find the blogs, websites and online communities that already exist and are just waiting for you to join in the fun!
3) Go Where They Are
Stake out the physical location where potential allies might hang out and start some friendly conversations with both the staff and the customers. Make sure you follow your instincts – don’t start talking to someone you don’t feel comfortable with.
- Bead shop
- Art supply store
- Specialty bookstore (travel, mystery, cooking, etc)
- Street fairs and farmer’s markets
- Craft fairs
- Theatre companies
- Libraries and community centers
- College campus events
- Take a class!
This has the added advantage of getting you out of the house.
4) Small But Mighty Masterminds
For several years now I have been part of a three-person mastermind group. We meet on the phone once a week for 90 minutes. Each person gets half an hour to talk, ask questions, brainstorm, whine and cry…whatever. We help each other devise strategies, proofread marketing materials, create websites, discuss pricing, solve problems, commiserate and cheerlead.
I guarantee that this weekly meeting has contributed more to my growth and success as an artist and an entrepreneur than any other single element in my life. Having smart, trusted advisers who are always on my side is better than gold. They challenge me, hold me accountable and celebrate with me.
Here are some guidelines we’ve used in creating our group:
- Commitment to the group is critical – we almost never miss a call.
- Honor time allotments – you can say or do whatever you want with your half-hour, but you only get a half-hour.
- The relationships are more important than the work – whatever happens, our first and primary commitment is to each other and to our friendship.
- Confidentiality is key – no gossiping allowed.
- Celebrate wins – each week we find a way to praise each person for her growth, her success, her honesty…we are all about positive reinforcement.
- Encourage and keep track of accountability goals. “Do you want to make a commitment around XYZ?” “Yes. By our next call I will have XYZ done or at least investigated other solutions.” And then the next week we ask about XYZ.
There are lots of books and websites dedicated to forming mastermind groups – check them out, experiment until you find the PERFECT people to partner with and watch your life improve!
5) Just One Friend
Even having one friend to talk things over with can get you started and pointed in the right direction.
But be discriminating.
Make sure your friend is:
- smarter than you are (at least in some ways)
- optimistic
- energetic
- willing
- supportive
- safe (will not gossip, deliberately hurt your feelings or tease you)
Good luck!
And tell me: What ways have you found to build community?
