Having Trouble Communicating With An Overworked Partner?
This totally made me puddle up. I think Audrey sets a fine example for us all 🙂
“Hi Samantha!
I am on your email list and receive your beautiful poems and ideas.
I just wanted to thank you cause those emails have been inspiring for me.
I recently wrote something for my boyfriend that I titled: In Praise of The Stressed Worker inspired by your poems and that was the only way I could reach his heart. Everything else didn’t work but that poem that I did – more for me in honor of him – really spoke to him.
So thank you for the inspiration and also for all the love and understanding of others.
Thank you,
Audrey”
When everything starts to feel out of control, it’s easy to get hard. Hard-headed, hardhearted and hard to get along with.
When we get rigid, we often try to exert some autocratic form of control (“Get into bed right now, young lady!”) which leaves everyone feeling alone and depleted.
Next time your world starts spinning, take a deep breath and concentrate on softening your heart.
Let me know what happens, OK?
I notice that you being hard on yourself doesn’t help you get more done. You criticizing yourself doesn’t help you learn and grow. You dwelling on your perceived failures, shortcomings, faults, weaknesses and screw-ups doesn’t help you be a creative person.
In fact, it makes everything worse.
Being hard on yourself depletes your energy.
Being hard on yourself discourages you from taking action.
Being hard on yourself makes every idea an opportunity for punishment. (“Why didn’t you think of that sooner?” “You should have done that already!” “What’s this – another idea that you won’t finish?”)
Treating yourself as though you are some unreliable and troublesome child who must be constantly watched (“Heaven knows WHAT she’ll do if we take our eyes off her for even just one second”) is completely counter-productive.
I might also point out that you being hard on other people (criticizing, dwelling on their perceived failures, shortcomings, faults, weaknesses and screw-ups doesn’t help anything either. In fact, it makes things worse.
So just for today, be tender with yourself.
Give yourself a sincere compliment and don’t then immediately talk yourself out of it.
Look around your life and notice all the parts of it that are truly, truly wonderful.
Being gentle with yourself and others is not a cop-out: rather, it is the only way out of the destructive spirals of procrastination, perfectionism and self-loathing.
Applause isn’t about you.
Applause is something the audience needs to express to in order complete their experience.
Applause is created by them (notice that you can’t really make them do it) and it is created for them. They may think they are applauding you, but really they are applauding to punctuate their own experience – which is great!
Sort of like when you take a bite of a cookie and say, “Yum.”
The “yum” is not for the cookie. The cookie doesn’t care.
The cookie has already done its job of being a fabulous cookie.
The “yum” is for you. The “yum” sets apart this bite from all other bites. It underlines your experience and helps you to understand this particular moment of your life.
So don’t feel shy about graciously accepting praise or applause – you’re doing your audience a favor by welcoming their engagement.
(And the really important part for you is not whether or not people liked or didn’t like what you did, it’s what they liked or didn’t like about it that is significant. The approval means very little. The specific feedback means everything.)
So go ahead and take your bow, because like I said…it’s not really about you.
Loneliness is a very serious illness that often goes unrecognized and undiagnosed. The consequences of a lonely heart include chronic sorrow, creative stultification and a lot of internal yelling at yourself.
Sometimes we feel lonely even though we’re in a group.
Sometimes we feel lonely right in the middle of feeling very happy.
Sometimes we get so used to feeling lonely that we wear it all the time like a heavy, dark cloak.
If your heart needs a friend, it’s time to do things differently.
Try these strategies – maybe even try one per day?
(Don’t roll your eyes – this is a serious situation and it’s time to try even the dumb things, OK?)
- Go to a local coffee shop and give someone there an honest compliment
- Take a class in something you know nothing about
- Call up an old pal (even if it’s been years and years) and find out how they are
- Practice seeing the eternal, undimmed beauty that abides in each and every person
- Make sure you get touched every single day, even if that means daily self-massage
- Go hang out in the dog park (whether you have a dog or not)
- Break your habits: take a different route to work, eat a different lunch, create a new outfit
What have you tried? What’s worked for you when you’ve been lonely?
P.S. If you’re a single woman seeking a true and loving partner, check out “Calling In The One” – this is a free teleclass with Katherine Woodward Thomas and Claire Zammit – register and you’ll get the recording for free, too: http://bit.ly/clTnGH (yes, I’m a Big Fan and an affiliate for them, but honestly, I’d recommend them even if I weren’t, because I have several friends for whom the Calling In The One process has really WORKED!) – SSB.
Here’s reason #3 why Procrastination Is Genius In Disguise:
Go here to get the recording of all this (it’s waaaaaaaaaay down at the bottom of the page): http://www.getitdoneteleclass.com/fall/
Well, Of Course You’re Scared!
Maybe you haven’t moved forward on your projects because you are a little bit scared. Or a lot scared.
And that’s OK.
My goodness – of course you’re scared. Hundreds and hundreds of you were so great and forthcoming about the projects you’ve been procrastinating – and so many of you were so funny! I love that!
Here’s a sample:
* finishing your book
* personal financials
* getting certification or a degree
* cleaning out your house/clutter clearing
* working on your art
* your jewelry design
* your blogging
* your music
* taxes
* writing a script
* living highest purpose
* getting a new job/career change
* your sculpture
* your body – exercise & health issues
* staying in touch with friends
* growing your business
* true happiness
* book proposal
* EVERYTHING
This is some big, life-changing stuff, and it’s no surprise that it sets off the panic button and makes us want run and hide like a little kid.
Here’s one strategy for diffusing the fear that I use in the Get It Done Teleclass which starts next week. (More info about Get It Done here: Check it out here: http://www.GetItDoneTeleclass.com/fall)
Teaching Our Shadows Grace
I borrowed the phrase “Teaching Our Shadows Grace” (from Zoe Moon Astrology) because I think it is a very beautiful way to express our capacity to just be with our fears without panicking.
I love to imagine just laying in bed next to my frightening thoughts – not holding hands, just laying on our backs, side by side, willing to be in each other’s presence without running away.
Let me explain a little bit:
There is a common phrase in the self-help world that says, “What you can’t be with, runs you.” Also sometimes expressed as, “What you resist, persists.”
In other words, if you are afraid of being rude – if you can’t even handle the idea that you might be rude sometimes – then the fear of rudeness will be making all of your decisions for you.
Put in slightly more concrete terms, if you are terrified of spiders, then your whole life will be spent avoiding places that you think might contain spiders. But if you have the ability to just BE WITH spiders (even if you don’t like them) then you can go anywhere.
Write down one sentence that someone could say about your work that would really hurt your feelings:
_______________________________________________________________
Let’s say you wrote down something like, “People might think my work is boring.”
Now say that sentence aloud, peacefully and calmly, altering it slightly each time. Let each sentence circulate through your body – imagine it running through your veins. Breathe.
“People might think my work is boring.”
Breathe. Just let that idea be.
“My work is boring.”
Breathe. You don’t have to agree with this idea, you just have to let it be.
“My work is boring sometimes.”
Breathe. Is it true? Of course it is. Everyone’s work is boring sometimes. Can you just be with that idea without fighting it? Can you think of an example of when it has been true?
“Some people think my work is boring.”
Breathe. Is it true? Yes. Is that OK? Of course. No one can be interesting to everyone all the time – that would be ridiculous.
“Sometimes I think my work is boring.”
Breathe. Is that true? I bet it is.
“Sometimes I think other people’s work is boring.”
Breathe. Feel where this is true for you.
“My work is boring sometimes.”
Breathe.
“My work is not boring sometimes.”
Breathe. Also true, right?
Keep going until you have examined the thought from all angles and the fear is completely diffused.
Keep asking yourself:
* Can you see/feel that it is the truth that sometimes you are that way?
* Can you find a specific example of when it has been true?
* Can you peacefully accept that?
Repeat this process with each fear that occurs to you, attempting only to feel some grace around each one.
Having the ability to gracefully sit with a self-concept that frightens you allows you to develop the ability to (psychically, creatively, spiritually, interpersonally…) go anywhere.
It’s OK to be afraid. But fear does not get to make our decisions for us.
If you like, go ahead and say this out loud: It’s OK to be afraid, but my fear does not get to make my decisions for me.
P.S. This exercise is derived from The Work of the amazing and brilliant Byron Katie (www.TheWork.com) – ssb.
MORE TOMORROW….
And if you’d like help moving forward on your projects, consider the Get It Done Teleclass that starts next week. I’d love to have you there.
