How to Make Perfect Choices
And the voice said, “Quit thinking you’re doing this wrong…”
I woke up very early on the Saturday before Easter and took a beach walk. The sky and the sea were the same shade of ever-lightening gray, and there was no one else in sight. As I walked, I prayed, and the voice came to me and said, “Quit thinking you’re doing this wrong.”
I stopped.
“Quit thinking you’ve screwed up. You are leading your life in precisely the right way. Your life is unfolding perfectly.
Not the way you’d planned, I know –
But still: diamond-perfect.”
And I started thinking about all the choices, events and situations that we revisit over and over in our minds, and how all that revisiting is stealing valuable energy and mind-space and creativity from NOW.
So I devised a few questions to help unlock a few of those…oh, “regrets” seems like a strong word to use…but the life choices that you still think about and feel sort of bad about.
Step One: You Have Learned Your Lesson
Perhaps you have a lot of these regrets and you really feel them getting in the way of your leading your best life. Or maybe you only have a few, or one or two. But all of us have at least one.
So pick an event from your past that you wish had gone differently. Could be anything:
A trip you didn’t take.
An apology that you bungled.
An opportunity squandered.
First, what is the Life Lesson of that event? What is the “moral of the story?” What behavioral change do you continually reinforce by dwelling on this?
That you are free to choose adventure over safety?
That you need to speak your heart?
That you can lean into the future rather than hanging back?
Good. So, how are you doing with that Life Lesson? Have you got it? Are you sure?
Think of three examples from your life where you have demonstrated an increased ability to be adventuresome, to heart-speak, to lean – or whatever your Lesson was.
I believe that you have learned that lesson. You may give yourself an A+ (or, for those of you who’ve studied with me, you may give yourselves a “C” 😉 because now, in the same way that you no longer have to recall the lesson of “how do I tie my shoes?” or “how do I safely pull my car into the driveway” because you’ve done it a million times, you may now assume that Lesson is part of you. It is part of your unconscious competence. It’s in your bones now, and you can’t unknow it.
So maybe you can afford to be a bit less vigilant, hm?
Step Two: You Did Not Act Alone
Let’s return to that troubling memory for a minute, and let me ask you a question:
Is it possible that you are over-accepting responsibility for this event?
Really.
Give it some thought.
Were there other people involved who also bear some responsibility for the way things went down? Could someone else have helped you out a bit more than they did?
And I don’t mean to say that anyone ought to have done anything differently – after all, those other people are leading their lives just perfectly, too – but I want you to notice that you did not act in a vacuum.
How inexperienced were you at the time?
Did you have all the information you needed? Are you giving yourself a hard time because you didn’t know then what you know now? Can you see the ridiculousness of that?
Now write down the name of someone else who might’ve had a hand in this decision or event of yours.
And write down one piece of information that you have now but did not have then.
Do you see that this maybe was not all your fault? That you were a part of a larger set of circumstances? Could this new perspective maybe help you put down the whip for a minute?
Step Three: Do You Still Desire That Alternate Future?
Finally, answer this: how do you think your life would be different if you had, in fact, behaved differently?
Complete the sentence, “If I had/hadn’t done XYZ, I would now ________________.”
What goes in the blank? Be a painter? Be married? Have lived abroad? Still be friends with…?
Good. Breathe that in.
Do you want that still?
If the answer is Yes, then what is one small (less than 15 minutes, easily within your budget) step you can take today to bring in this thing that you still want?
And be realistic with yourself – maybe you can’t move to Paris today, but you can buy some geraniums and a small photo of the Tour Eiffel to put on your desk. You can start a penny-jar to save up for a plane ticket, yes?
Or maybe you think you would’ve been a famous textile designer now, so you’re going to spend 15 minutes researching new silk-screening technologies today.
Make it fun – a celebration – an experiment, even!
And perhaps you realized that you really DON’T want that thing anymore. How marvelous! Take a moment to celebrate that you “do not want what you haven’t got!”
And so maybe you are so glad that you didn’t marry that person, you decide to buy a special bottle of wine or imported soda pop or special after-dinner tea to commemorate your freedom from that choice.
Because you are here for the joy. And to spend even one moment criticizing yourself for something that could not have gone any differently than it did is a waste of your light.
And the world needs your light.
Right on! Your copy is always so full of genuine content! It’s useful and it’s kind.
I read you everytime, and to the end – which is more than I can say of all the shallow (or would be profound) messages I receive everyday…
Take that away with you today: People read you all the way through because they feel your honesty. THAT is something, Ms Bennett! That is something.
Your truly,
Marie-France
Thank you, Marie-France – you have no idea how much your kind words mean to me. (It can get a little isolated over here, you know?) Big kiss! xoxo S.
Just wanted to chime in and say that I’ve found what I’ve heard and read of yours over the past couple of months to be pretty consistently helpful and upbeat. You’ve got me coming back, and with my overburdened calendar, that’s saying something. But hey, that’s why I’m here… to try to get my organized half to feel free to be more artistic, and my artistic self to be organized to get stuff out to the world! LOL. So thanks. And thanks for sending out the link… since I tuned in late to the live call. *wry chuckle*
BTW, have you got a file for “ego boosts?” I have a Label in my Google Mail for those. Whenever someone says something nice, or tells me that I’ve been helpful to them in someway, I’ll put that tag on the mail, or sometimes I’ll write myself a note with the location of the comment. When I’m feeling down or isolated, or about to do something I’m scared about, sometimes I’ll go look in there and read some of the nice things people have said about me in the past. It can really help.
Thank you so much, Dawn – I’m, well…honored. Really. I totally get it about making time to come back to good resources – I can’t count how many people I find and I think, “Wow, that’s really good stuff” and then I quite promptly never look at their site again – so I really am flattered.
And YES – I not only keep a “praise and good words” file in my email account where I save all the yummy stuff, but I also keep a hand-written list in my datebook (yes, I am so 1988 that I still keep a datebook 🙂 of compliments I get when I’m out and about. I think it’s an absolute necessity for remembering to hold on to the truth of who you are when the negative self-talk gets out of hand. – xoxo S.
Samantha
You’re a wise woman with such practical strategies! I loved listening to this call (since I missed it Friday) after reading your post and waited until the end to leave a comment. The synchronicity of finding this message in email today makes me laugh aloud because earlier I added a note to myself to pull out my folder with notes from your class. Thanks so much 😉
The ‘resource’ I would have suggested if I’d been on the call is The Severn Whispers of Wisdom by Christina Baldwin. I believe I’ve shared them in the Facebook group previously, but I’ll add them here for the benefit of others who might not be in that group … just because. As I recall them, the seven whispers are:
1. maintain peace of mind in all things
2. move at the ‘pace of guidance’ … to me that means forcing nothing and holding nothing back
3. practice ‘certainty of purpose’ … acting with authority from within
4. ‘surrender to surprise’ … to me that’s what synchronicity is all about
5. ask for what you need and offer what you can
6. love the people in your life and embrace ‘what is’
7. return to the world
Thanks for being you!
Hugs and blessings,
Love this! Thanks, Virginia
This is perfect, Sam! You’ve done it again ~ gracious, grateful thanks! ????
As usual, you have done it again Sam! I have been beating myself up for the last week and a half about something I did and feeling pretty stupid about it. At the same time, realizing this is something I cannot undo so I gain nothing by beating myself up over it and feeling embarrassed! I have been trying to convince myself exactly what you have just stated but it seems that my conscious accepts it better from you! Thanks for just being-especially at this time and season in my life.
Oh, honey – that kind of self-punishment is just torture, isn’t it? Go ahead and put down the whip, lift your head up and let your light shine shine shine! The world needs you much too much for you to waste any time running yourself down. I’m so glad you wrote and shared – I know it makes me (and everyone else) feel so much less alone. YAY for you! xoox S.
Wow Sam…great stuff. I am brilliant at beating myself up over choices made or not made and living in regret. You’re article is really a lovely way to reframe the past and to make more conscious choices in the present Thanks for your insight and thoughtful questions on this topic. Something to practice. Wishing you well!!
P
Thanks, honey! SMOOCH! xo S.
Dear Sam! Thank you! This was so perfectly timed. Regression into regrets… and yet, your reminder of the lesons learned… that is the part I forget. Those “mistakes” have so often shut me down… The new part you added: I was not alone in those – not as in blaming others, or not being responsible, yet, hey, I didn’t act alone! Hel-lo-o! Thank you so much for your honesty and vulnerability and most of all your kindness. 🙂 You are a gem!
~B
You are mighty kind and gem-like yourself! Thank you so much for writing. And isn’t it amazing what can happen when we lift our head up a bit and look at the whole picture? It’s like opening up all the doors and windows and letting the fresh air blow right through the house. – xoxo S.
My dear, you have done it again. Brilliant and bold and beautiful as always. And just what I needed to hear, right now. I was in this terribly unpleasant and unproductive space over some recent choices, not really beating myself up but also not being able to say with conviction, “Well, gee, what an interesting experiment that was, and now look at what I’ve learned.” Partly because I put huge amounts of time and effort into that choice. And partly because it cost some money. And partly because it’s fairly recent. And yet, it turned out not to be for me. Even though everyone else thinks it is, and I do it well. Until I listened to this call, I felt a little strange and isolated about celebrating the fact that (a) I’m not actually worrying or feeling guilty about the time and money and (b) I know some things, really deeply, in a profound and permanent way, that I knew before but did not want to honor my conviction about knowing, if that makes sense. I can now really honor that conviction, and let all that other stuff go.
Fairy Godmother of Ultimate Permission to Be My Own Kind of Writer waves her magic wand again!
Sometimes thank you is just something we say, and sometimes it is the only thing we can say – in this instance it is the latter. Thank You.
And thank YOU, Tarryn – your warm words cheer me up & on. xoox S.
Wow! This is so timely. I really like that about you – how you really have a sense of knowing about these things and you know the importance of your contribution and you share in such a heartfelt and loving way – helping those of us who are lucky enough to have found you to acknowledge those things that we know and to share them for the greater good and for our own.
Thank You & Bless You!
Susan
Oh, thank you so much, Susan – it’s so gratifying to me to know that I’ve helped (I realize that’s such a girl scout thing to say – but, hey – I was a girl scout!) Love to you – S.
Sam — As always, your Spirit radiates gentleness. What a wonderful exercise to release and move on. Good Work!
So glad you found this freeing, Joyce! And thank you so much for writing to say so. xoox Sam.
What if you don’t know what your passion is? What if you don’t have a clue what you are good at? I could really some guidance on what it is that I want besides radiant health and freedom from pain. I mean, there must be something.
What a terrific question! My brief advice for you is to spend 15 minutes a day – each and every day – investigating your creative self. Just play! Spend 15 minutes writing, drawing, playing with photographs, dancing, making movies, knitting, doing yoga, writing an advice column….whatever tickles your fancy. Don’t try to be “good” at anything. Just see what delights you, and follow the sparkly breadcrumbs into the forest. Let me know what happens for you, OK?